Friday, September 30, 2011

Fold the laundry you lazy cripple!

I have had a busy few weeks...i've been extra busy with wifely duties even though I am no longer a wife....I really could use a wife..as you may have read in some of my previous posts, but no one has yet to apply for the position...yea, fuck you toos...fine! I'll do it all myself, as usual..all while making Tyrone feel guilty for being a lazy crippled ass.  Yea..I say that too him a lot...I'll ask him to fold the laundry while I'm gone, and I come home and he hasn't done a God damned thing except play free cell on his computer and throw the newspaper off the table onto the floor.  His contribution to my gray hairs.  He's so sweet..don't get your panties in a freakin bunch...I love the crippled bastard...it's okay...I kinda figured when I moved him in with me that he wouldn't be much of a help around the house, but thought that I'm kinda magical and maybe I could change him...yep, so I still gotta fold the laundry...I'd ask demon daughter to do it, but I have received the look of death already 8 times this week, and I'm pretty sure she's plotting my horrific and painful death.  It's strange that every time I ask her to do something for me, she comes down with bizarre illnesses...I haven't figured it out and will probably have to take her to the doctor for them to put her back to normal, or better than normal...I'll say, please fold this laundry for me..."But mom!!  I can't cause I have a pimple on my butt and it hurts real bad when I sit and I can't sit and fold laundry!!" Okay, well please unload the dishwasher.. "But mother! I can't because they just finished their cycle 3 hours ago and the dishes are still warm and I'll probably get burned which will be bad cause my hands have been hurting a lot lately."  Go clean your freakin pigsty room! " But MOTHER!!!  I can't because I have a headache and everytime I bend down to pick something up off the floor it makes me dizzy and I think I'm gonna pass out!"  Oh dear God...get me my fucking vodka.

Well, I've been sleeping quite well lately.  This is how I measure my stress.  When I was married to my DKD (Dear Kid's Dad...or Dicky Kid's Dad..your pick) yea, shut the hell up...my kids don't read my blog.. anywhoo...I was so stressed and hardly slept...most of the time I lay there awake listening to him sleep which would piss me off that he could sleep when it was so completely obvious how furious I was because I wouldn't say good night..he should have known that I was pissed about whatever...he was supposed to be able to read my mind after 17 years of marriage..right?  anyway...glad that's over cause I was so stressed and couldn't sleep, so I would lay there plotting his demise....or what shit I would leave for him and what I would take...HA  When I divorced him, I had a hard time sleeping, cause I was going through a crazy divorce and still sleeping with him and all, which was weird..it would keep me up at night wondering why I hated his guts yet still needed a booty call once in a while...Now, he's remarried and I'm very happy and now I sleep like a freakin rock!  It's great!  I can fall asleep anywhere at anytime...I told Tyrone well, now u will know when something is bothering me..I won't be able to sleep.   In fact, I had to have a renal ultrasound the other day to check some things out...no worries..I'm fine and will be able to fill your lives with glee for several more years~  Anyway, I actually fell asleep during the ultrasound! HA...the chick touches my arm and says....Maam, you need to take a deep breath and hold it...lol  Damn woman! Don't wake me up, this is me time!  Well, Tyrone is yelling for some coffee...Damn man! I'm busy!  Everybody always wants something from me. ~Fuck them all~

Thursday, September 22, 2011

The X factor and warm cheese

So, I watched a little bit of the X  factor last night...it wasn't too bad, but I really can't stand Simon so I couldn't watch it for very long.  Don't get me wrong, I'd totally have sex with him....but I'd have to tape his mouth shut, cause he'd probably be telling me it was one of the worst auditions he's ever seen in his entire life, cause I would be so nervous and shaky, and probably a lil bit sweaty.  Plus, I could totally rock out to Rolling in the Deep by Adele in my car, so I could quite honestly see myself on stage belting out the bluesy sounds of Adele...Or I am also quite good at the Heeee Hoooo part of just about any of Michael Jackson's songs....ya know the one where he grabs his crotch, goes up on his tippee toes and goes "Heee Hoooo!"  Yea, I totally rock the fuck out of that.  I'd grab my crotch and everything.  In fact, I'm practicing right now...lol

I am just about ready to light up demon daughter's room into a huge freakin blaze...it is a pig sty...I am mortified by just walking by the room which I have to do to get to my room.  I literally turn my head to the right so I don't even get a glimpse of the mess hole of demon death...I am so tired of hearing, "Mom, I can't find (insert inadament oject here).  "Well, my darling daughter, perhaps it is located at the bottom of one of the 10 heaping piles of crap."  "No, mom! I already looked there!!"  Well, okay, mama's gonna go drink vodka now...see you tomorrow.

So, the day before yesterday I was baking banana bread cause I am totally the reincarnate of Betty Freakin Crocker...wait, is Betty Crocker even dead?? I should really do some investigating on that,,anyway, it was all warm and shit in my kitchen.  When I opened my freezer the steam came at me, so I just thought it was my warm kitchen against my cold open freezer door...but no, it was the beginning of my refridgerator taking a serious dump.  So the next morning, I go to get some chicken out for dinner and it's very soft...I start to feel ill.  I turn the freezer up and run into Tyrone's room..  "Tyrone!  The fridge is dying!"  He says, " damn"  Okay.....thanks for your help!  You lie there in your quadriplegic state and I shall run around saving the beef!  Damn cripples...lol  jk...I call him a filthy cripple all the time, he likes it...

So, I call the landlord (AKA the creepy old dude who wants to see me naked) who asks me if the fridge was there when I moved in....well, yes...I wouldn't call you to replace something that I have bought, unless it would work.... Well, I spend the next 3 hours on the internet and on the phone searching for a new fridge that I can pick up today. He says we can take my truck, and I can pay for it, but I want you to drive...um....okay,  (shivers down my spine, and puke in my throat)...so Tyrone says that while I'm driving he's gonna try and take advantage of me and I needed to take one for the team so we could get a new fridge, yea, okay...no problem...u just sit here and wait for my return, but don't stand in the way to the bathroom cause as soon as I get home, I'm gonna be hurling like Woody Harrelson did in the movie KingPin after he had sex with his creepy old landlord cause he couldn't pay his rent...."Oh, it's not THAT bad!"

So, by 2pm that day we have a new fridge! YAY!  As I'm putting the stuff back in that hasn't spoiled, Tyrone spots a bag of shredded cheese that I have thrown in the garbage...there is about a half cup in there and he says, "Get that outta there!" "But, Tyrone, it is warm"  "It's okay, I'll eat it tonight, it will be fine, don't throw it away!" Ugh....are you kidding me? We can afford to throw out a half a cup of cheese...but whatever, it's your body...of course I'll be the one cleaning up after you hurl all over yourself since you're all crippled and stuff...nice.  Whatever you say, my fuhrer....there's no point in arguing...he wins this one...warm cheese back in the fridge...I'll throw it out when he leaves the room...lol

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Two posts today! Aren't you the lucky one!


Holy Hell!  The space bags worked!  It's freakin amazing!  I am gonna space bag the house, I think I'll start in demon's room....she's got a shit load of stuffed animals, many of which were won at fairs, by her mistaking ability to throw darts at balloons....."Mom, I'm really good at this!  Give me $5.00!" Then she wins the retarded little booby prize which is a 4" tall stuffed smurf, or some shit.  So, there are 85 tiny stuffed animals that serve absolutely no flippin purpose but to litter my floor with sadness.  Then there are doll babies that she does not play with, but we can never get rid of because someone gave them to her and they will be sad.  What the hell?  Grandma probably could care less if you get rid of the doll with pen marks on her face and is missing a leg that she bought your for Christmas when you were 4.  She won't even know...I'm gonna space bag all these little fuckers and send them to the moon~  Then I'm gonna space bag all my clothes that don't fit me anymore, but I can't throw away cause someday I will be down to that size again, and if I throw them out, I will have nothing to wear, so I won't even try to lose the weight cause I won't be able to go out and buy all new clothes..so it's way cheaper to just stay fat, right?  Then I'm gonna space bag all of Tyrone's ripped t-shirts that he won't let me throw out and I just keep them at the bottom of the drawer.  And all his sweatshirts and long sleeved shirts and his funeral pants, cause he never goes to the funeral...and the last funeral he went to  he didn't even wear those pants, so bam~!  They're getting space bagged baby!  BooYah~  I have an adrenaline rush...You think I could space bag electronic cords and shit?  You know how many different cables, and connectors, and cords, and crap I have stolen from cable men over the years...They are in a big box in the top of my closet....space bag baby, space bag!  I'm totally gonna space bag barbie clothes too, and the old pillows that I won't sleep on cause they're so old and gross, that I save them for my guests....space bag!
I'm on a roll....

Space Bags and a gold tooth.....ugh

Things have been kinda crazy around here lately...I sincerely think I need to start drinking or something..more than I already do. lol  I think for a short period of time, it might be nice to be in an alcohol induced crazy ass state of mind when my demon daughter starts crap with me.  Turn 13 already!  Cybil makes more appearances than Katie does, I'm wondering what Cybil did to her..she is somewhere hiding deep below giggling as Cybil makes a new hair on my head turn gray.  The other day I was explaining to her that she needs to be more responsible...it's been terrible, forgetting shit all the time.  So, the very next day, shes getting ready to leave for school, I'm half asleep and I say "Do you have everything? You didn't forget anything did you?" Only to be acknowledged.."Yes, mother! God!"  I crawl back into bed..I hear what sounds like running footsteps back towards the house, the door slams..."Mom! You gotta get up and drive me back down to the bus stop, I forgot my cheerleading shoes!"  I'm gonna murder her.

OMG! I had the craziest dream last night!  Ya know the black guy in the Allstate commercials with the sexy deep voice??!??  I was dreaming that I was leaning up against the kitchen counter and he walked up behind me and pushed his body up against me..close enough I was poked in the lower back with something..he must've had somethin in his pocket..yep, lol  Anyways, he leaned in and whispered in my ear, in his deep sexy voice.."Can I have a glass of water?" So I had to pour him a glass of water with him and his member pinning me to the counter, it was awkward to say the least, but a little exciting at the same time..lol  don't know where the hell that came from!  I think I need to have some sex..lol

So, yesterday, the landlord AKA creepy old man who wants to see me naked, is mowing my lawn...I got to park the car and run inside before he can shut his lawnmower off and yell "Hello!"  Running, and carrying the shit I gotta carry, when  I drop my water bottle...DAMN!  The mower stops....I throw up in my mouth a little bit, wave behind my head, pick up my bottle and run into the house!  Tyrone sees me dodging the landlords advances, and comes to my rescue...wheels outside and talks to him for me, allowing me to get into the house and hide underneath my bed.  ugh~  I guess it wouldn't be so bad, if he could give me a month or two off the rent..I'd have to have a puke bucket next to the bed though..His gold tooth gives me nightmares~Perhaps if I was in an alcohol induced stupor.....

So I bought one of those Space Bags yesterday that you place your blankets and pillows in and then suck all the air out until it is a flat little pancake.  Easy enough right?  I'm actually a little moist thinking about it..I shall space bag every fucking thing in this joint!  I will have so much extra space around here, I will be giddy.  I will report my comments on this remarkable seen on tv product...Perhaps they will have me do an infomercial..I'm way cuter than Billy Mays ever was, RIP Billy...

Well, I got shit to do...bags to suck, and what not

Friday, September 9, 2011

Hello Ladies, did someone call for a Superhero?

So, the demon daughter had her first football game that she was cheering for last night.  The fun started at 6:05am that day when she couldn't find her socks....Yes, wake up, mother! because I have lost something in my tornado induced bedroom where I have thrown everything on the floor and you can't even see that I have a floor, and their is something questionable on my window sill and when you enter, you have to gasp at the smell and pull your shirt over your mouth so you don't automatically hurl.  I told her last week to clean her room and she screamed "Mother, I will!!!" Hence where I got the name, Demon child.  Yup, so she found her sock cause I wouldn't get out of bed.  Then, at 6:20 it's "Mother, get up so you can drive me to the bus stop, because it's dark, and I can't walk down there in time, cause the driveway is 3 miles long and I will miss the bus, and I think it's starting to rain, which will ruin my hair.  Ugh~ So, I get up, throw on shoes, grab my keys and drive the little demon down the driveway.  Did I mention that when I was young, I had to walk 5 miles to MY bus stop in the snow and rain and tornadic weather..and it was uphill both ways? Did I tell you? Huh? Cause it was rough.  But I digress....So, then I get a phone call that screams "Mother! I need you to bring me nail polish remover, cause I didn't remove the bright orange nail polish from my fingers and the cheerleading director will yell at me!  Yea, I'll get right on that.  Let me drop what I am doing, and drive the finger nail polish remover down to you cause you were too lazy, or forgetfull, or whatever to do it earlier.  So, then she calls me at 2:25pm, where r u?  I'm in Norwalk buying you groceries for your lunches, cause you don't want to stand in the lunch line for 480 minutes for glue like macaroni and cheese.  So, then I get a phone call at 2:50pm, 3:20pm, 3:45pm, and 4:05 pm.  I am dodging my calls.  Damn kid, leave me alone already! geez.  Then I finally pick up at 4:06 and explain that I am on my way home from Norwalk, with the 4 yr old nephew, who wants to go to the football game, but I'm under the sneaking suspicion that he does not care about the foot ball game, he just wants his Aunt Tina to buy him popcorn.  I explain, that I will bring it before the game, and this is not my problem that she forgot, and I wasn't making a special trip to bring her nail polish remover.

One thing that was cute though, is my nephew.  We were on our way to my house and I asked him how his first day of preschool went, he said, fine.  I asked him what his teacher's name was.  He said "I'm not going to tell you right now."  WTF?  Is it a secret? I then said, okay, what are the names of your friends you made today.  again,  "Aunt Tina, I don't want to tell you "  Fine! I didn't want to know anyway!  I was just making conversation! lol  damn kid.....

So we arrive to the football game, Katie wipes her nails off, we carry our chairs to sit, cause we brought Tyrone so we have to sit below the bleachers for his wheelchair.  The game starts, and then the nephew says he wants popcorn...we go up to snack bar, of course, no popcorn....would you like something else?  "Yea, popcorn"  There is no popcorn.   "But I want some"  Oh, okay, well snack bar lady, you see, he wants some.  So snap to it!  No go...how bout some nice m&m's...I mean, you're not sleeping over at Aunt Tina's so, here's the big bag!  YAY!  we walk back to our seats and then here comes the massive black clouds over us...we're fucked.  Downpour...I was having a good hair day too...damn rain.  So, we run to the van and pile in and go home.  The boy says..."my m&m's got wet"  ugh, oh well, get over it kid.  Home we go, I say, you better change your pants cause those are all wet..he immediately drops his drawers in the kitchen and says okay.  I think he's going to be a stripper when he grows up.  I picture him dressed up as Capt America, opening the door to the bachelorette party he's attending, saying something like..."Hello ladies, did someone call for a Superhero, cause I am here!  Anyways, it was a pretty good day.  Other than answering 1000 questions from the boy during the evening...Why did you get pepperoni on the pizza? Why are we drinking juice? Who is that boy?  Why are those kids wearing those shorts?  Do we have to pay for our tickets here? Which way do I walk? Will you hold my hand?  Why are those cheerleaders yelling? What do you mean I can't have popcorn? 

Well, the team lost, the cheerleaders looked great, despite the one girl who had bright orange traces of fingernail polish in the corners of her nails...It was incredibly noticeable.  Not....

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Sucks to be you, dude

So, I've been thinking about this guy who played the lottery at work in the lottery pool.  He was off on sick leave for 3 months and didn't pay in to it.  Well, they win the lottery and this guy has a lawsuit now to get his grubby little hands on some of it, cause he played too, and he's real sorry he forgot to put in, and pretty pretty please can I have some of this money?????  Well dude, it sucks to be you right now, but you're pretty much fucked.  I would be kicking myself in the ass too, but if a judge actually grants this douchebag any money at all, I will have no more respect for our judicial system.  Everybody wants to sue these days.  Everybody has the freakin hand out.  Well, you know what??? I was gonna play those numbers too, give me some damn money.  Tyrone wishes he could get back the day he broke his neck.  I wish I could actually weigh what it says on my drivers license!  Some shit, you aint ever gonna get back..sucks to be you, right now.  woulda could shoulda...shit happens...you missed this boat, but keep playing, maybe you'll get lucky again.  Don't waste everybody's time with a ridiculous lawsuit!

Okay, I feel better...now onto other things..I drove the demon child to the bus stop this morning cause it was cold, and dark, and blah blah...okay, fine!  Tried to go back to sleep afterwards and of course, could not, because I was fully awoken to cold and darkness, and whining...sucks to be me.  But, she's off to school, and this makes me smile.  I love her and all, but it's been a long weekend. I had to help her with her cheers this weekend for cheerleading.  and I couldn't just call out the cheers, I had to watch each cheer to ensure it was being done correctly...nevermind that I have no clue how it's supposed to be done, I don't know what a hurkey, or jerky, or turkey is...i wasn't a cheerleader.  I was the girl in the back of the room making fun of the cheerleaders because they were blond and perky and cute..yada yada yada...now by daughter is a blond, perky, cute, cheerleader....damn..now I have to go to games, and clap, nevermind I would much rather be home in my tootsie roll pajama pants and huge sweatshirt watching Judge Judy on tv, and eating cookie dough...that's okay, honey..mommy loves you and all that crap, so I will come to your game. 

I love my demon daughter, and the older one too, who used to be a demon, but has passed the torch to Katie...ah..only 5 more years till she turns 18....

Thursday, September 1, 2011

I need a freaking wife!

I created this damn blog so I could talk about being a caregiver, but I usually on bitch about other stuff...oh well, I think I will rename it Christina's Drama...

Okay, I have said this many times before and I think everyone must of thought I was joking or something, cause no body has applied for the job...but I really do need a wife.  I have lots of shit to do.  I have to take care of Tyrone all day, or when he hollers for me...lol  I have to do laundry, make dinner for my demon daughter to her level of satisfaction..(apparently, I have failed at this task a lot lately, as she bitches every night about the dinner that I have chosen to make and not consulted with her prior, where do I get off?) Anways, like I was saying...I want a wife who can do all those wife like things for me.  I would like someone to cook me dinner while I sit on my ass and watch reruns of Judge Judy as I paint my nails.  Judge Judy is flippin awesome and she deserves my complete undivided attention, and I feel bad cause I haven't had any time to spend with her lately, and she is probably sad about that.  I would like a wife to do laundry for me every two days.  You know your favorite pair of underwear?  You know you have a favorite pair!  They're nice and roomy and don't ride up or nothing, or roll down in the front cause your gut is bigger than it used to be..Well I have 2 pairs of these favorite pieces of undergarments.  So I need my laundry done every two days so I don't have to wear the underwear  underneath those that are skimpier and kind of sexy.  I haven't had to get into the sexy underwear in a while and I feel kinda happy about that.  I like my favorite underwear.  So, since I only have 2 pairs, she will have to keep up on that.  I also would like someone to sweep the floors for me.  My demon/daughter is supposed to do this every Friday but she does it as half ass as you can possibly do and then screams..."That's the best I can do!  God!!"  It's quite dramatic.  I tread lightly around her lately, as I am sure she plots my demise while I sleep.  And I would like my wife to tell me how beautiful I am at least 4 times daily.  She should offer to fetch me things too, like the remote when it is too far for me to reach without getting up or leaning far too much which might make me pull a muscle or nick my painted fingernails.  I don't need the wife for sexual purposes, so that would be good.  We would both be able to get a full nights sleep in separate beds of course, cause i don't roll that way.  I think I would have to get her her own room on acounta I snore sometimes.  It's a very light, ladylike snore that you can barely hear..yea right..but I would give her her space.  I think that would be wonderful.  And perhaps she could go out and find a part time job and give me all of her earnings, too.  I would give her $5 a week to spend on whatever she wants and the rest would go to me.  I after all, have to pay the bills....yup..this marriage thing could work out well...now all I need is to find a pretty little wife who will do everything I say..shouldn't be a problem, right? Who's ready to apply?? Anyone?  Hello?

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Daughters and Demons

I can't believe it's been over a month since I blogged...I apologize to each of you who check hourly to see if I've posted anything new!  I know there are many of you that sit on the edge of your seat to read my rants of  unrelatable blabber..Well this is what I've been up to~  Tyrone, the demon child and myself had a pretty good summer...The demon child is turning 13 soon so her summer was filled with moments of funny laughter and smiling and then changed to hateful and loathing..i don't believe that I ever went through this as a child, my mother only had wonderful things to say about me and my childhood, about how much joy I brought her and she cherished each and every day with me as I was such a delight to have around...she waited 9 years to have another child after me and I am convinced it's because she was sure that she couldn't have a child better than me, so why try?  Then one day...OOPS  came my lil sis~  Anyways,  back to me....so i had one of these wonderful daughters who brought me much joy too!  Actually two of them..I think that while me and my now ex were conceiving these children, our thoughts were so far away of terrible teenage years...had we been able to see into the future perhaps things would be different~ lol  just kidding..i love my kids and all that crap, i swear~ My oldest turned 18 so is now an adult and i can't tell her what to do no more, so that kinda sucks..not that she listened to me before but ya know..I tried.  She's working and doing well, and hopefully staying out of trouble.. My youngest has been a tornado of moods swinging from delightful to demon like in less than 6.5 seconds looking at me as if she could tear out my eyes and stomp them to mush on the floor~Lord help me not to spiral out of control and do something unbelievably heinous like taking away her cell phone or throwing her out a window, both of which would be unforgivable in her eyes.. but if I threw her out the window I'd have to clean up all that glass, then I'd have to hang some sort of board up there or something so bugs don't come in the house and crawl into my brain...She's already lost the cell phone in the beginning of the summer, but I gave it back because it was more of a pain in the ass to ME that she didn't have it.. So now we're in 7th grade, big bad middle schooler...off to school yesterday for the first day..how was your first day, darling?  Fine..Oh that's wonderful, glad you had such a wonderful day that you could sum it up in one word...looks at me as if i have horns coming out of my head and ventures to her room...ahh where's my valium?
 

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Fireworks and Sore vaginas

We had a full day yesterday~  Went to the 4th of July Parade where my daughter marched in her baton group.  It was hot, but we found a great spot under some trees.  Nice parade, big empty spots but overall nice.  Then went to Wendy's for lunch with my nephew.  Home to get Tyrone off his butt and listen to how wonderful he is that he got up in his wheelchair early so I could take us all to this fun filled family event...lol  So, now I gotta lay him down so he doesn't have to sit in his chair for 1378 hours, or something like that.  We don't want any bedsores, or chairsores, or whatever the hell can happen if he sits on his butt for 1378 hours in a row.  I know many people who do this all the time, I wonder if they ever get pressure sores?  I always tease my lil sis who watches movies all the time, I wonder if she ever gets couch sores on her butt, I'll have to ask her next time I see her....She's always telling me about different movies, she's the movie nerd...well mostly just a nerd....lol~  Sorry La-Teesha. Anyways...I work on my homework while Tyrone, and my youngest take naps!  I know!  I would like to take a nap, but I am mom, and therefore not allowed.  After 3 grueling hours on a paper about clinicians in the human services field (i know, right?) we all get up and have dinner with my oldest, who comes over on occasion to forage for food.  Seems her dear father and stepmother rarely have food...or good food...i don't know.  She proceeds to tell me about what has been going on in her life, like that the stepmother buys generic toilet paper and it's making her vagina sore.  I love how my daughter shares every single thought in her head outloud.  I had been wondering how her vagina had been, ya know, cause she's been out of diapers for quite some time now....holy Hell!~  So, we all eat dinner together and get ready to go see fireworks!  We had a pretty good time, kids played with some glow in the dark necklaces that some jackass has to go around and sell to the kids, so the kids say, "Mom! Mom!"  Can I have a glow in the dark necklace that I will wear this one time and then probably break and never wear again, and one day 5 years from now, you will find the broken pieces behind the couch?  Please?????  Well sure!!  I have too much money anyhow, I'd love to give it to the guy with a glow in the dark mohawk!  Anyways, fireworks, then sat for 57 hours waiting to get out of the parking lot.  why do I do this?  I like fireworks but is it really worth it to sit and inch yourself out of the parking lot for 57 hours when it is over?  Yup...so home we go!  Tyrone finally gets to see the cute little solar lights I bought and hung in our flower garden.  He never stays up this late, cause of the whole pressure sore thing...he is thrilled to catch a glimpse of the solar balls of wonderment!   As I expected!! I'm sure he will fall asleep tonight with a big ass grin on his face just thinking of my glowing balls!  I know that's the last thing I think about each night before my head hits the pillow.  Happy 4th of July everyone!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Lewd sexual act in the Walmart parking lot

So Tyrone and I ran a gazillion errands on Friday....first we went to nursing home to see how is mother is doing, she's on some good pain meds and proceeded to tell us how she thought she was pregnant, but it turned out to be just a really big poop....yup, she's funny....so she tells us that she is so glad not to be pregnant, cause she doesn't wanna do that again..lol  She also tells me thank you for helping her with her checkbook.  I explain that I help Tyrone with his checkbook and I was glad I could help. She said I was smart and hoped I wasn't a big liar.....I'm not sure if there's a compliment in there or not, I'm still scratching my head about that one.  I help her write a letter to a friend of hers who had sent her a letter.  I write as she says," Dear Laquisha", (I have changed the name to protect whoever the hell needs to be protected) "I'm glad to hear from you, I am doing terrible.  I'm having lots of problems with my bowels"  Stop right there! I change it to, "I'm doing fine, having a little stomach discomfort, though."  At this point Tyrone explains to his mama that Laquisha doesn't want to hear about her bowels.  The rest of the letter is about how she wants to come see her and misses her and blah blah blah....Love, Roshawnda

Next on our agenda is Menards to buy something with the $20 rebate I received that is not $20 but $20 in store credit~ Sons of bitches...they got me, now I gotta come back~ We bought some stepping stones to make a lovely sidewalk at the bottom of the front wheelchair ramp.  Tyrone thinks that this would be lovely.  This would be lovely, if I had someone else carry the 50 pound concrete slabs for me!  What the hell!  So my fuhrer, says to buy 12 of them....no problem~!  Then it's 5pm since we spent the majority of the afternoon learning about unwanted pregnancies and the size of mama's poop, this makes us hungry!  I got a $25 Outback gift certificate from a dear friend, we decide to check it out...I'll sum it up for you~ Service sucked, food was pretty good, but again, service sucked giant hairy balls...I took it upon myself to write to the manager on the website.  They want to hear from me, so I'm supposed to call them...I'll prob get a free meal at their hairy ball sucky restaurant~ yay!

We go on from there to the bank, the grocery store and then to Walmart.  Tyrone's urinary leg bag is very full, and we still have 2 stops to make...parked in the middle of the concrete parking lot, I spot a drain.  As we wait for the women who are parked there to quit applying lipstick and get the hell out of there, I devise my plan.  When they leave, we nonchalantly head over there where I bend down in front of him like I'm adjusting his foot pedals, and I open the valve to release some urine enough to make it to the next two stops....From behind, it appears I am giving him a blowjob in the middle of the Walmart parking lot...quite a sight to be seen...lovely, we tap the bag and high tail it to the van, (Big Red)  and screech our way out of the parking lot before the cops come and arrest us for lewd sexual acts and public urination!  Yep, I'm a criminal...but you don't know the kinda crap you have to go through when his bag gets too full and bursts all over his shorts!  Oh, the joys to being a caregiver~ lol

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Tyrone my big beautiful black beast

I have decided to change my client's name to Tyrone to protect myself from any charges of taking advantage of him that may or may not develop down the road....I have changed his name to Tyrone because I picture him as a big beautiful black man.  He tans like crazy and is almost black anyway.  So it's kinda true....So me and Tyrone, decided to watch a movie last night recommended by my dear mother.  My dear mother, usually has pretty good recommendations, although this one was borderline mentally disabled....which really means it was retarded as hell, but because I am always sympathetic and politically correct, I will say mentally disabled.  So anyway, this mentally disabled movie was Inglourious Basterds and it starred the yummylicious Brad Pitt~  He was from Tennessee or some other hillbilly state down south and had an accent that was completely stupid.  It was too hillbilly, ya know how you can be hillbilly and then there's extreme hillbillyness.  He is extreme.  It was about how we killed Hitler, or how Hitler should have died, anyway.  I think they must have said "yes, my Fuhrer, a bazillion times...I think that I will start calling Tyrone "my Fuhrer "  It's got a nice ring to it, and he is always telling me what to do, ya know like  "Are you gonna feed me today?" and "How bout a shower? It's been a week and a half? "  Yea Yea Yea....I'm busy playing Farmville!  What is more important?  I know, my damn crops!  I can't let an entire crop of beans wither away!  Geez!  Anyway, what was I saying....oh yea, Tyrone.  Tyrone and I watched this 2 hour and 33 minute movie, that I had to read more than 60% of it...I don't wanna read when I watch a movie, that's why I'm watching a movie and not reading, damnit!  Then it flashed so damn fast that I had to speed read, and read aloud cause Tyrone can't see that far without his glasses...anyway, it sucked, but we watched the whole damn thing cause we thought, "It's gotta get better, right? "  Wrong....Tyrone hated it, and I thought it was weird.  I think we should become the next Siskel and Ebert.  We are much better looking.  I wonder how you get that job....I'm gonna look into it.  Although you have to sit and watch movies all the time, which kinda makes me feel lazy....oh well, I'll keep the job I have I guess....I gotta clean my house now, Tyrone's brother, Antwoine is coming over for dinner with his wife, Shaniqua.  It's gonna be a big black beautiful blast~
"

Thursday, June 16, 2011

You wrote a check to WHO??

Tyrone's poor mother is in a nursing home...she is 87 years old and such a cute lil old lady.  She can be feisty though.  Pat and I went to visit her yesterday.  We brought her a hot fudge sundae which she proceeded to devour as soon as I placed it in front of her.  She thanked me and admitted she couldn't remember my name...that's okay, she had been asking about me previously.  "Where's that girl that takes care of you? "  I used to bring her a cappuccino every time I visited, I am aware of the fact that she probably only likes the fact that I bring her stuff.  So, she didn't mean...where is that girl, she meant, how come that girl hasn't brought me anything lately?  I feel bad because Tyrone's brother Dan, who takes Tyrone to see her every Sunday usually won't stop anywhere to buy her anything.  But I am the one, the golden one...who brings treats in order to buy her love~  Anyway, I have been taking care of people for 9 years and handling doctor's appointments, bills, and balancing checkbooks for too long, so when I saw a pile of unopened mail awaiting me, I dove right in.  First of all, I would like to state that charities are a wonderful thing, EXCEPT, when they prey on senile older people and tell them they need to donate money!  She gets more freakin' charities that prey on these people, who have no clue that they just sent them $75 two weeks before, because they can't remember, so they send them another $75 this week!  I believe that their staff meetings consist of this.. "Hey Bob!  Let's send out letters to all the nursing homes and put a picture of a bald child on the front, so they feel bad and send us money!"  "Sounds good, Bill! And then we can put inside a freaking gazillion address labels with their name misspelled, and note pads that they will NEVER use, cause they already have 876 million, along with 457 tiny mini calendars with the print so small their little cataract eyes can't see anyway! "  "Alright, that's great! Now let's go to lunch! "

This is what I believe...so I threw away a shitload of paper yesterday, and come to the bottom of the pile, where I find unpaid doctor bills, from April 2011.  This is what happens when you put a man in charge who works 50 hours a week and has zero patience for calling doctor offices.  So I start the phone calls...it seems the insurance company hasn't been paying their part, and the dr office then sends her a bill with the remaining balance due, which she then writes a check and pays.  Except, the insurance company is supposed to pay these bills, so she has been paying what she shouldn't....Cripes~  So, I brought her checkbook home and all her bank statements to balance her checkbook, which has not been balanced since the beginning of time...Oh well, this is how I will spend my summer vacation.  I totally prefer to balance Tyrone's checkbook, he writes 3 checks each month...that's it..lol  And he would kill me if I sent $75 to the wounded seamstresses of Idaho or some other effed up charity...

Friday, June 10, 2011

I can't feel my legs!

This doesn't have much to do with my client...but is on my mind.  I guess I should stop calling him "my client".  Not very warm.  He is Tyrone.  Well, I'm getting ready for my graduation party tomorrow for me and my daughter.  She graduated from high school, and I graduated from college!  I know, right? So exciting.  Anyways, Tyrone is still stuck in bed, although sore is getting smaller.  Although, he is also getting very stiff.  I can't imagine staying in bed for 3 days, I would go mental.  But he is a trooper.  I didn't make him watch Dancing with the Stars but Steel Magnolias is on today, so I might have to go into his room, turn it on, and walk out....ha ha...i'm so cruel, I think I'll listen to my Ipod so I can have some peace...lol  What torture!  Well, I don't want to tortue him that bad, the fact of watching Dolly Parton, and all those southern accents is too horrible for anyone, and I like Pat.  He is my friend....speaking of my friend...he just yelled "Stella!" from his bedroom....hmm I guess that means he needs something.  More coffee perhaps, or to ask me to turn the channel as something "queer" (his words, not mine) is about to come on.  He is funny~ He also likes to scream from his bedroom "CHRISTINA ! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"  Yep, he's a barrel of fun... Although, he is slightly more fun when he is mobile.  He can do a lot of things by himself.  He LOVES to just sit outside for hours.  I will go out and sit with him from time to time, I sit for about 10 minutes then I have to get up and go do something.  He teases me.  I'm a little OCD.  There is always something to do.  It seems like I do laundry and dishes non stop....I really could use a wife.  I think I will put an ad in the paper..."Wanted: Someone to cook, clean, tell me I'm wonderful, fold laundry, and run my errands." I wonder how much I should pay someone to be my wife?  It IS a big job.  I could finally sit around and paint my fingernails.  I don't get to do that very often.  This would make me happy.  Or perhaps I can sit on my ass and watch Nicolas Cage movies.  He makes me moist.  Oh yea....Well, Tyrone is now screaming "Oh Yea, snap into a slim jim!" I haven't heard that for a couple weeks now...he thought it pertinent to scream it every 4 minutes after Macho Man Randy Savage died....So I guess I better get in there...Well, I meant to write about all the crap I had to do to get ready for the party, but I ended up talking all about Tyrone, so whatever....my rants make me feel more relaxed...very zen right now...oh yea, Tyrone is calling.....I also have ADD...and lose focus a lot...lol  Look! A hummingbird outside my window.  I like hummingbirds....

Thursday, June 9, 2011

stuck in bed

I feel bad for my client who is stuck in bed...and not only is he stuck in bed..there is absolute crap to watch on tv.  Poor thing has to watch reruns of All in the Family, now don't get me wrong, I like a good All in the Family, but not my first choice.  I suggested Dancing with the Stars, and he gave me the look of death....what??  You don't want to see kids dancing around while people tell them they suck and watch them cry?  I like to watch other people get yelled at!  That's probably why I have much love for Judge Judy~ She rocks my socks~  But, fine.....it's your tv..whatever..lol  He is stuck in bed today because of a pressure sore.  Sometimes he gets a sore and has to stay off of it for a few days...it totally sucks.  He is bedridden and I can't go anywhere cause the house might catch on fire while I'm gone and he'd be stuck in bed.  So please send his butt some "fast healing" thoughts.  He wants to attend my graduation this weekend along with the party, and doesn't want to celebrate from his hospital bed.  I'd be outside partying away and might completely forget about him inside.  Especially if I partake in some beverages that might make me giddy.  He is my best friend and I want him to giddy with me!  He tells me all the time to try sitting in a wheelchair for 8 hours straight in the 90 degree weather...uh....no thanks.  I have buzzed around the house in his power chair though, and that's kinda fun.....but then I can get up and walk away and he cannot :(  I got to go now, cause All in the Family is over and some chick flick is starting....I think I'm gonna pretend not to hear him....hee hee

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

It's a beautiful day!

Well today is absolutely beautiful!  70 degrees and sunny!  Finally!  We've had such a long winter!  Today is Pat's birthday, he's the man I take care of.  He is 54 today~  It was an adjustment for my 12 year old when I decided to move him in.  I had quit my job, and become certified as an Independent Care Provider, and moved him from a group home he was in, to a home that I found where we could all live together, that was going to be accessible for him and his wheelchair.  It took some time, but found a home.  I learned that there are so many different resources out there that help people with disabilities.  We were able to find funding that paid for handicap modifications, which made it so much easier!  We got several doorways widened, a roll in shower and a huge ramp out the back door.  If you just have patience and look at everything, there is a lot that is available to you.  

The process of becoming a provider was lengthy for me, because I kinda went the long way around, but after I got through it all, it was all worth it.  Now there are a few classes that you must go through to become certified, have a clean criminal history, and of course not be on the abuser registry, and there you go!  Another one of my friend's is currently becoming certified to be a provider too!  There are many different types of providers.  You could care for individuals who are declining in their health and need some extra care.  You can care for children or adults with mental retardation or physical disabilities either part time or full time.  You can do one on one services, where you go and pick up the individual from their home and take them into the community for different activities, or even just grocery shopping and other errands.  You can also become a foster care provider, which is what I do, where the individual lives with you.  There are so many different opportunities available, and so many different individuals who need care.  For me, it was the best decision I ever made for me and my daughters.  It has given me the opportunity to be home for my kids, a friend to hang out with all day, and the chance to finally give my daughters things that I could not afford before.  If you have any questions about this opportunity, please let me know.  I will be happy to share my experiences with you....Now, I need to get out and enjoy this beautiful day!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Hello and Welcome!

Hello~  Welcome to my blog!  I have created this blog to help other caregivers have a place to go to ask questions, get advice, meet other caregivers, or to vent!  Sometimes we need to do that! lol  If you are a caregiver, you understand that it's not always fun or pretty, but it can be so rewarding!  If you are a caregiver for a family member or an aging parent, you might not have signed up for this, but got recruited!  I have been working for adults who have mental disabilities and/or physical disabilities for the past 9 years.  I decided a little more than a year ago to quit the company that I was working for as a group home manager, and go off on my own and become an Independent Care Provider for the State of Ohio Board of Developmental Disabilities.  It has been the best decision I have ever made.  I am incredibly happy and feel so blessed that I am able to do what I do, and stay home for my children.  Someone once said that if you find a job that you love, you will never have to "work" a day in your life.  That is my favorite quote!  It is so true. I love what I do.  I hope that you do as well.  I hope that you enjoy my blog, and share it with others!  I look forward to sharing with you!
~Christina