Holy Hell it's been too long since I blogged and you all were probably ready to send out a search party for me and everything. I am safe and alive. I promise. I didn't realize it had been September since I last spoke with all 9 of my adoring fans. You probably all had a terrible holiday season because of it. I am truly sorry....anywho, so much has happened since then. I turned 38(ugh), my demon child turned 13(double ugh), my 18year old got engaged (it's okay, she's not pregnant!), I became addicted to the fruit flavored Mentos (not the Rainbow kind, those actually suck hairy balls, this is the fruit flavored one, and it turns out there is a BIG difference, and we began the Ohio winter season. Fortunately it's been a freakishly warm winter season which is probably a bad thing and keeps reminding me of that global warming thing and how the earth is probably gonna blow up or have some other sort of catastrophic event. Which reminds me that it is now 2012 which means that we are all gonna die this year or John Cusack will come and save us, which is okay with me cause I used to have a huge crush on John in the 90's. He performance in the movie Better off Dead was superb. I don't understand why he didn't win an Oscar for that performance, but enough about that.
So to bring you up to today's topic: Spam. Now I know what you are thinking.....ooh the rectangular shaped container of potted meat goodness? barf...Tyrone loves Spam. I think that there is something wrong with him. He likes it fried up and on a sandwich, but if I refused to cook it cause it kinda smells, he'd probably just eat the shit right outta the can, that's how messed up he is. I opened my email this morning to find that I had 27 new emails overnight! I am so popular, was my initial reaction. Little did I know, that the majority of these people that took the time to write out an email to me, did not even know me! Can you believe it? and I'm a little disheartened that they think that I am into things that I am not. For example, I received an email from Bodacious Black Bootys. Am I to assume that they think I have a bodacious black booty and they want me to join their team, or that I have a bodacious black booty fetish? I'm confused. I received another email with a subject line that read, "We want to give you a gift". Well I am all about gifts, so this intrigued me. I opened the email to find out that there is this couple who live in Albania who won the lottery and they want to share it with deserving individuals such as my self. How exciting I thought! I AM deserving anyways, well, to get this gift of $50,000 I just have to send them only $3000 to handle the transfer of the monies, apparently in Albania, they can't just write you a check and mail it. I did not know this. I'm learning so much. And another email had a subject line of "the best sex you will ever have". Now, I like sex. It is very good, but the best that I will ever have? Although it was a little intimidating, I opened it only to find out they want to sell me a penis pump. Are they trying to sell me a penis pump because they think that I have a penis, or that the man in my life has a tiny penis? Either way, I am a little insulted. I am unsure of how to handle these emails. I will mull it over my warm cup of cappuccino this morning while I suck on Mentos, fruit flavored of course. Hmmm...
