Sunday, February 24, 2013

Chocolate Covered Orgasms

Have you missed me???  Yea, I've been busy and all...blah blah blah.  Okay, just lazy.  Whatever.  So Tyrone's brother came over for a birthday dinner today.  He likes chocolate cake.  I like chocolate cake.  Actually, I love chocolate cake.  I made a two layered triple chocolate fudge cake that did not fall apart while stacking, which is by far a huge accomplishment.  I put a layer of chocolate frosting in between the layers and around the top and side.  Then I finished it off with shavings of white chocolate chips, which my 14 year old said looked like dandruff.  It was "heavenly" ( FYI: when I use italics, it means that you must sing the word)  So we all had a slice and I am seriously considering going over and sneezing on it so no one touches anymore.  Tyrone's brother has diabetes, which I shouldn't have made it for him in the first place, but ya know, it's your birthday and crap and you really should be able to eat what you want on there.  Screw you Wilford Brimley!  Back away from my cake!  I mean...Tyrone's brother's cake.  Ya know, I would really be doing him a disservice if I let him take the rest of the cake home with him.  I must not let that happen.  I must keep the rest.  It was so moist and chocolately, I literally orgasmed.  Seriously.  I had to change my under wear.  Now that is a damn good chocolate cake!  And Cybil must not have thought much about the dandruff comment cause she cut herself a pretty good 

So here's my post....short and sweet.  Very sweet.  As sweet as this chocolate cake, which I am seriously considering licking so no one wants any more.  That's how I roll.  Screw y'all.  Have a super sweet Sunday everyone!  

Saturday, August 11, 2012

I am not a gay man, not that there's anything wrong with that.

Ya know about swagbucks?  Well my little sister turned me on to this demonoid page about a year ago.  It can be very profitable, if you are online 24/7.  I, however, have a life, a pretty busy life at that.  I cannot be online all the time, and if I could, then I would be on facebook endlessly stalking people and reading about their retarded little lives, and look at videos of cats playing the piano.  I would also totally get all involved in all the fights, cause I find it quite entertaining.  You know you love it to, don't fucking lie about it.  Someone writes on their page something like " Some people are stupid hoes."  Then the stupid hoe chimes in about she needs to watch her back cause if she treated her man better he wouldn't be lookin after the stupid hoe.  Right about now, I am envisioning Nicki Minaj singing the beautiful melody "Stupid Hoe".  If you haven't heard it, I suggest you stop what you are doing right now and youtube it.  Stop!............ It's okay, you can come back to this later.  It's kind of a ridiculous tune that gets stuck in your brain until you start crying while holding fistfuls of your hair, sitting naked on the sidewalk wondering what the hell happened.  It totally has that effect on people, I swear.  Cybil turned me on to it.  I have to admit I am a Nicki Minaj fan.  I think I'm trying to hang on to my awesome youth.  I'm turning 39 in a couple of months and I'm about as happy about that as I would be if beetles started crawling into my ass.  That would probably tickle.  um...nevermind, what the hell was I talking about.  Oh yea, those fucking swagbucks.  

Anyway, you can earn more swagbucks by using the search engine.  You can then buy things with your swagbucks.  I am a bargain hunter so I try and search at least once a day.  I have become quite good at typing in a search term hitting send, then deleting part of the word so more searches become available, quickly clicking on them and doing it all over again.  The faster you are the more things you can search for, then the faster you are awarded swagbucks.  I will start out with Home, then I might add Depot to that, then delete Depot, and jump to Home Interiors...etc.  Do you get the picture?

So I type in Adam West, don't even ask me why, I type in the stupidest shit imaginable, don't know what part of the brain this surfaces from.  Then I jump to Adam and Eve, then jump to Adam4Adam, which I find out is for gay men looking for gay men.  I pause for a moment and I recall a conversation that Tyrone and I had awhile ago about the government watching over what we search on our computers looking for terrorists and shit.  This causes me to laugh because in this one search frenzy I have searched for gay men, sex toys, and Home Depot.  This does not look good and would most certainly give someone the wrong idea about me.  Hmmm.....maybe now I should search heterosexual stuff.  I really have to try harder and not looking like a gay man.  Not that there's anything wrong with that! (For you Seinfeld boobs)
Carry on...

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Duct Tape and the black man's penis

So, crashed my new to me car the other day.  yes.  I'm retarded.  Cybil and I were leaving the Dollar Tree which happens to be an awesome store because I feel comfortable telling my kid to get whatever you need, cause mommy is a cheap ass.  Anywho, I stopped in to buy a birthday card and some Red Vines.  (cause Red Vines rock)  and was talking to Cybil, and thinking that I must hurry to get home to Tyrone cause my father was coming over and I don't like to expose my father to people for any length of time.  So, I'm checking behind me as I pull out and don't see anyone over my right shoulder.  That's because the guy is right behind me.  shit.  As I hear and feel the sound of crushing plastic bumper, I shoot out an array of swearwords that would make a sailor blush.  My 13 year old has pointed out to me that I'm swearing.  Yes, Cybil.  Mommy knows she is swearing.  Now shut the hell up.  I pull back into the parking space and exit my vehicle to find the bumper in almost 2 pieces flapping in the wind.  It's only 98 degrees out as I talk to the old man with the straw hat that I have side swiped.  He is an extremely nice old man, who is smoking the fattest stogie I have ever seen.  It's so fat that for a moment, I am turned on.  It looks like a black man's penis, cause I've been told they are fat as hell too.  So, he is driving a white Ford Flex, which by the way is a really ugly boxy looking car, but now has a really cool blue pinstripe down the side.  He seems unsatisfied that I have given him this service, so we exchange insurance information so that he can get it removed.  Trust me, it looked a lot better with the pinstripe.  I offered to do it from the other side as well, so that it matched, but he didn't care for that idea.  So I call Progressive to report my little accident.  I get customer service representative Amy, who won't shut up.  She gets my information and then repeats back to me a little commentary about one day she backed up into someone and she also has a 13 year old too and wasn't that funny? Shut the hell up, Amy you whore and process my fucking claim.  The old man with the stogie is puffing on that big dick-like looking cigar and I'm about ready to cry from anger at myself for taking my nice, beautiful, new to me car and turned it into a hillbilly, duct taped, concoction.  Which reminds me, put duct tape in my car.  You never know when you will need it.  I had to drive home with the bumper flapping in the wind.  Tyrone inspected my vehicle when I returned home and tried not to laugh.  He smiled, and I gave him the evil eye my mother taught me, and he turned and went back into the house.  So my little mistake cost me a $500 deductible.  I did $1000 damage to the white car and $874 damage to mine.  Thank God for insurance, and Amy the whore.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Keep your legs closed, please.

Hello to all my weird friends! I have been out of school for 20 freaking years.  Yes, I know what you are thinking...."What? That can't be true! She looks so youthful and vivacious!"  But, unfortunately it's true and I was thinking that there are a lot of things I wish I knew then, when I was an 18 year old who thought she knew everything.  I now have an 18 year old who probably thinks she knows everything....and my 13 year old knows way more than her stupid mother too.  I have really smart kids.  As Dave Hester would say.....YUUUUP!  Here are 20 things I wish I knew 20 years ago.  There are way more than 20 but if I wrote them all you would get tired of reading...cause our attention spans are just not good.  

1.  Keep your legs closed!  Yes, While I LOVE my  daughter, I would have waited a couple more years to have her.  And after reading the Fifty Shades of Grey, I have learned that there is a shitload of stuff you can do without opening your legs!  Fun!

2.  Hairs will grow out of your chin!  I know! What the hell! I don't remember my mom teaching me that this would happen.  I spend a lot of time in front of the mirror and Tyrone enjoys asking me what I'm doing even though he knows damn well what I'm doing.  

3.  Do your kegel exercises!  You will lose a little pee when you laugh, sneeze, fart, or sometimes even just get up out of your chair.  It's not fun.  

4.  Listen to your parents!  Even though mom didn't tell me about the chin hair thing, she was pretty smart about everything else.  

5.  Drama is for teenagers! Once you become an adult, lose the drama.  It's not worth it and there are better things to do, for instance, Judge Judy is fucking amazing!  Watch her and you will forget all of your troubles.   

6.  Save your money!  When you are a teenager and you have money it's the most AWESOME thing in the world! but then you become an adult and have to decide whether you want to eat this week, or buy the latest Call of Duty game. 

7.  Do sit ups! Alot! Your stomach muscles become flabby when you don't use them.  And if you eat Little Debbies, it is way worse. 

8.  Little Debbie is a bitch from hell.  See #7.

9.  DON'T DATE LOSERS!  This one deserves all caps because for some reason women will date these losers who don't drive, don't work, live with their parents, and they think they can change them.  Well unless you have superpowers, you won't change him.  Dump him and move along, he is draining you down to loserville.  

10.  Eat healthy!  As I said, while Little Debbie is the most fucking delicious chocolately goodness, she will put fat in places you don't want.  She is a bitch from hell and doesn't care that your pants are tight.  

11.  Wear clothes that fit you!  You look like a fat piece of sausage when you wear clothes that are 2 sizes too small cause you can't come to the realization that you are fat.  Just embrace it and buy the larger shirt.  People make fun of you if you don't, trust me, I am one of those people. 

12.  Go to college!  It's harder than fuck to go to school, run a household, raise children, and control the universe when your are 38 years old.  Plus your brain don't work good no more.

13.  Go ahead and buy that vibrator.  Hell, your an adult, sometimes men just don't do it right.  They have good intentions and all, but they'll be down there till their tongues turn blue.  Buy the vibrator and be in control of your own orgasms.  Just learn how to fake them so he's precious feelings don't get hurt.  

14.  Wear a supportive bra 24/7!  These things are heavy and when you don't support them, they sag.  It's very sad.  Tyrone's 88 year old mother told me hers looked like 2 dead fish just laying there.  Lovely mental pic, thanks!

15.  Create your own happiness!  See #13.

16.  Teach your kids some manners!  Teenagers today are horrible, awful, disrespectful, little brats who wear their hats backwards, their underwear showing, and their cleavage popping out all over the place.  

17.  Your body starts to ache in places it shouldn't.  My feet! I have to wear shoes in the house cause my feet and legs will ache if I don't.  What the hell?  I like being barefoot so this sucks big hairy balls.  

18.  Travel before children!  The only place you will visit when you have children is McDonald's and the occasional Chuck E. Cheese.  Children suck the life out of you not to mention your money.  So just refer back to #1.

19.  Don't buy your kids a pet unless you are ready to clean up after the furry fucker!  Your kids won't do a good job cause they are kids and not real good at stuff yet, so you will have to redo it anyway.  Save yourself some heartache and teach your kids at a very young age that a pet rock is the mostest amazing pet he will ever own! Kids are stupid, they will believe you!  For a few months anyhow.  

20.  Buy a good mattress!  Your back will thank you.  You are old now.  Your back hurts.  Your legs hurt.  You make noises when getting out of bed.  You make noises while getting into bed.  You creak and crack and moan, it's really quite horrible.  You are old now.  Take care of yourself.  Having children is very hard on your body.  But always refer back to #1.  Keep your legs closed. 

Monday, June 11, 2012

wet dreams and Gordon Ramsey

So, I totally saw Chef Gordon Ramsey tonight.  I am super psyched that he is in Norwalk this week, but totally pissed that I couldn't get a reservation at the crappy Bistro to see him.  I love Kitchen Nightmares and Hell's Kitchen! I try to imagine what it is like to have sex with Gordon.  I like how his hair is all tousled on top of his head.  It kinda turns me on.  I picture him swatting my ass with a metal spatula because I've been "brilliantly naughty" in his sexy, panty moistening British accent.  Perhaps bend me over the counter where he passes the food over to the gay guy who seats people.  The gay guy will probably sit quietly in the corner watching us, while cursing my name because he's not the one bent over taking Gordon's gigantic spatula on the ass.  He'll be so jealous.  I do think that Gordon's face needs a little work though.  He looks rough as hell, but I suppose yelling and screaming all day will do that to you.  Also probably the heat from the kitchen isn't very good for the skin.  He could use a moisturizer.  So anyways, I didn't get the damn reservation so I decide I will do a drive by.  Well, it was a popular idea I guess, as there were a whole row of us.  I get to the bottom of the hill and glance to my left to see Gordon in his glorious white chef's jacket and his blond tousled hair gazing down at some table underneath a tent.  I then think, SHIT! My damn phone is in my purse! I realize that I should have been more prepared, but I am not in the habit of stalking celebrities very often so it never comes to mind. I can't take a picture and now the asshole behind me is honking his horn and I must move along.  I then go get Katie from baton, make her sit in the back seat, with my camera ready as we slowly creep down to the bottom of the hill once again where Katie is poised and ready.  Bloody Hell, a bunch of freakin cameramen and roadies.  Gordon has vanished, into the night as quickly as he arrived.  All I have left is the brief moment we spent together, while I was stalking him and looking at him bent over the table, unaware that he was part of this moment....the moment before the asshole behind me honked me back into reality.  And that is all I have, well that and the wet dream I will undoubtedly have tonight....

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Smoking pot and sweaty boobs

Hello all! That title got your attention, I know it!  HA, now because of your interest in my sweaty boobs, you are stuck here reading my blog!  HA!

It is I, once again, your favorite blogger that posts less frequently than the locusts visit.  I am just so busy.  You know, all the awesome mom things ya know.  I have to chauffeur Cybil around to her various destinations.  She is involved a lot which I like, my first kid wouldn't do anything.  lol  Sorry my sweet.  She did do girl scouts for a few years and I was lucky enough to make her dreams come true by being the leader.  I'm sure she loved that the only hour a week she could escape my presence and lunacy, that I was there too.  No such luck, little child.  She also did basketball for like a hot second.  Can't remember why she quit that after only a couple games.  She really didn't have any WNBA recruiters busting down our front door, so perhaps that's it.  It reminds me of when I joined the track team in the 7th grade.  I was going to be the best track superstar of the entire school.  I was going to have people from all over the country attend the track meets of the amazing girl who can jump hurdles like she is on fire.  Well, it all started with this boy.  That's usually how it starts right? I mean who wants to go and get all sticky sweaty and stuff on purpose.  yuck.  I hate to sweat.  Perhaps if I was less endowed I wouldn't care so much, but when you have that under the boob sweat, it's totally not fun, and when you put powder under there it just gets all cakey and shit.  Sometimes I think I would totally like to have small boobs, so I wouldn't have to wear a bra again.  But then my daughters wouldn't make fun of me wearing one of those tank tops with the built in boob shelf as a bra.  And I like to totally freak my daughters out.   It's kind of a hobby for me..but those tanks are totally comfortable as hell, right? You know that when you come home, the bra comes off!  My daughters insist on wearing bras all the time, even when they sleep so their boobs are not saggy like their moms.  They are certain it's because of those sling tank tops.  Oh well.  I couldn't care less.  But, I would gt them perked back up in a hot second if I ever won the freaking lottery.  Although, I would ask for the super firm version so I wouldn't have to wear a bra.  Perhaps they could put rounded metal shelves under the silicone.  That's a million dollar idea right there!

Okay, I think I got off track.....cripes.  Well, anyway there was this boy....And now that I think about it, this boy was very dorky looking.  I didn't shoot my hopes too high by falling for the football and basketball players, I set my hopes low and a little more realistic by dating the members of the track team, and if we had a chess team, probably them too.  Although there was a druggy I had my eyes on for quite awhile.  Purrr...he is still extremely hot, even after 20 years.  Can you believe it?? I have been out of high school for 20 freaking years!  The graduates and end of school has made me remember my high school days.  I had a lot of fun! Probably too much fun, but was also a pretty good kid.  I never got in trouble, except for my "Ban the Spork" campaign my senior year.  I was a rebel.  I didn't have my first joint till I was 36 years old.  That's pretty amazing in my opinion.  Perhaps if I hooked up with the hot druggy I could have experienced more psychedelic awesomeness at an earlier age.  But I'm happy I stayed drug free.  I only did it when I was 36 cause all my friends were doing it and I wasn't going to be the one who didn't ya know....peer's a dangerous thing.  And in all honesty, I don't even think it worked....perhaps I was just too drunk from my Sailor Jerry and cokes to notice.  Sailor Jerry will fuck. you. up.  He's a wicked bastard.  Waking up on the floor by the toilet with my pants around my ankles and my so-called "friends" taking videos of me with their phones wasn't cool.  But, ya know, if it wasn't me on the floor, I totally would've had my phone out too.  Totally.  Ha.

Anywho...get back to doing something productive, would ya? Go stalk people on facebook, or whatever floats your dingy. 

Till we meet again,

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Terrible Teenager of Titanic Proportions

Well, I have had a busy couple of months and I apologize to all of my loyal followers for being denied my totally awesomeness filled rants of lunacy.  Today's choice of rants is once again....Cybil.  Okay so is 13 too young for me to sell her off to a band of gypsies? Cause I know they come through here on occasion when it  gets warm.  I remember when I was 17 and working at the corner store in Wakeman.  My bosses at the time Clif and Carol Sabin (wonderful couple if ever one existed), so Clif would say to me,  "Now, watch out for them gypsies! They'll cheat ya!"  He was right!  Every summer a big pile of them would come in to the store and spread out everywhere where you couldn't keep your eye on all of them.  One would be at the cash register asking for change for a $20 and hopefully walking away with change for a $50 by some retarded unexpecting cashier who had not even completed high school yet, trying to rile me.  They never did though, cause I was totally smarter than them dang gypsies.  oh yea.  My $4.10 an hour was my bread and butter..ya know cause I needed to buy cassette tapes of Poison, neon knee socks, rubber bracelets, lots and lots of hairspray and stuff, and condoms....lots and lots of condoms, cause you know, teenagers are horny all the time and what not.  Anywho...I'm thinking of selling her to the gypsies.  I wonder what they pay for a 13 year old? They might make me pay them, or else they'll try and return her after about a day and she starts whining and rolling her eyes..she's really good at that, the best eye roller in town in fact.  She's also smart as a whip.  She tells me all the time that she knows everything.  I wish I knew as much as her.  I think that as you get older and you have teenagers you start to lose brain cells...or maybe they just suck them out of us while we're staring at them while thinking "Where in the hell did I go wrong?"  

So, she has her moments..ya know last night she was eating this frozen strawberry thing that I bought her because I'm awesome and all that, and she offered me a bite.  I was delighted as typically she stays far away from me.  I opened my mouth for a taste and she runs to get another spoon, because you know mom's have  well, I kinda have a thing about that too, so I'll let that one slide.  And she did thank me for taking her to the movies tonight.  We saw Titanic 3D...but she was sure to tell me 9 times that her head was killing her because it was soooo long and she hates wearing 3D glasses, and then sat through dinner complaining about the food and that it was not good, and did I know that her head was killing her?  Yep, see if mommy takes your ass to another 3D movie again.  I think I'll hurl myself over the counter and ask the girl to stab me with the popcorn scooper.