Tyrone my big beautiful black beast

I have decided to change my client's name to Tyrone to protect myself from any charges of taking advantage of him that may or may not develop down the road....I have changed his name to Tyrone because I picture him as a big beautiful black man.  He tans like crazy and is almost black anyway.  So it's kinda true....So me and Tyrone, decided to watch a movie last night recommended by my dear mother.  My dear mother, usually has pretty good recommendations, although this one was borderline mentally disabled....which really means it was retarded as hell, but because I am always sympathetic and politically correct, I will say mentally disabled.  So anyway, this mentally disabled movie was Inglourious Basterds and it starred the yummylicious Brad Pitt~  He was from Tennessee or some other hillbilly state down south and had an accent that was completely stupid.  It was too hillbilly, ya know how you can be hillbilly and then there's extreme hillbillyness.  He is extreme.  It was about how we killed Hitler, or how Hitler should have died, anyway.  I think they must have said "yes, my Fuhrer, a bazillion times...I think that I will start calling Tyrone "my Fuhrer "  It's got a nice ring to it, and he is always telling me what to do, ya know like  "Are you gonna feed me today?" and "How bout a shower? It's been a week and a half? "  Yea Yea Yea....I'm busy playing Farmville!  What is more important?  I know, my damn crops!  I can't let an entire crop of beans wither away!  Geez!  Anyway, what was I saying....oh yea, Tyrone.  Tyrone and I watched this 2 hour and 33 minute movie, that I had to read more than 60% of it...I don't wanna read when I watch a movie, that's why I'm watching a movie and not reading, damnit!  Then it flashed so damn fast that I had to speed read, and read aloud cause Tyrone can't see that far without his glasses...anyway, it sucked, but we watched the whole damn thing cause we thought, "It's gotta get better, right? "  Wrong....Tyrone hated it, and I thought it was weird.  I think we should become the next Siskel and Ebert.  We are much better looking.  I wonder how you get that job....I'm gonna look into it.  Although you have to sit and watch movies all the time, which kinda makes me feel lazy....oh well, I'll keep the job I have I guess....I gotta clean my house now, Tyrone's brother, Antwoine is coming over for dinner with his wife, Shaniqua.  It's gonna be a big black beautiful blast~
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You wrote a check to WHO??

Tyrone's poor mother is in a nursing home...she is 87 years old and such a cute lil old lady.  She can be feisty though.  Pat and I went to visit her yesterday.  We brought her a hot fudge sundae which she proceeded to devour as soon as I placed it in front of her.  She thanked me and admitted she couldn't remember my name...that's okay, she had been asking about me previously.  "Where's that girl that takes care of you? "  I used to bring her a cappuccino every time I visited, I am aware of the fact that she probably only likes the fact that I bring her stuff.  So, she didn't mean...where is that girl, she meant, how come that girl hasn't brought me anything lately?  I feel bad because Tyrone's brother Dan, who takes Tyrone to see her every Sunday usually won't stop anywhere to buy her anything.  But I am the one, the golden one...who brings treats in order to buy her love~  Anyway, I have been taking care of people for 9 years and handling doctor's appointments, bills, and balancing checkbooks for too long, so when I saw a pile of unopened mail awaiting me, I dove right in.  First of all, I would like to state that charities are a wonderful thing, EXCEPT, when they prey on senile older people and tell them they need to donate money!  She gets more freakin' charities that prey on these people, who have no clue that they just sent them $75 two weeks before, because they can't remember, so they send them another $75 this week!  I believe that their staff meetings consist of this.. "Hey Bob!  Let's send out letters to all the nursing homes and put a picture of a bald child on the front, so they feel bad and send us money!"  "Sounds good, Bill! And then we can put inside a freaking gazillion address labels with their name misspelled, and note pads that they will NEVER use, cause they already have 876 million, along with 457 tiny mini calendars with the print so small their little cataract eyes can't see anyway! "  "Alright, that's great! Now let's go to lunch! "

This is what I believe...so I threw away a shitload of paper yesterday, and come to the bottom of the pile, where I find unpaid doctor bills, from April 2011.  This is what happens when you put a man in charge who works 50 hours a week and has zero patience for calling doctor offices.  So I start the phone calls...it seems the insurance company hasn't been paying their part, and the dr office then sends her a bill with the remaining balance due, which she then writes a check and pays.  Except, the insurance company is supposed to pay these bills, so she has been paying what she shouldn't....Cripes~  So, I brought her checkbook home and all her bank statements to balance her checkbook, which has not been balanced since the beginning of time...Oh well, this is how I will spend my summer vacation.  I totally prefer to balance Tyrone's checkbook, he writes 3 checks each month...that's it..lol  And he would kill me if I sent $75 to the wounded seamstresses of Idaho or some other effed up charity...

I can't feel my legs!

This doesn't have much to do with my client...but is on my mind.  I guess I should stop calling him "my client".  Not very warm.  He is Tyrone.  Well, I'm getting ready for my graduation party tomorrow for me and my daughter.  She graduated from high school, and I graduated from college!  I know, right? So exciting.  Anyways, Tyrone is still stuck in bed, although sore is getting smaller.  Although, he is also getting very stiff.  I can't imagine staying in bed for 3 days, I would go mental.  But he is a trooper.  I didn't make him watch Dancing with the Stars but Steel Magnolias is on today, so I might have to go into his room, turn it on, and walk out....ha ha...i'm so cruel, I think I'll listen to my Ipod so I can have some peace...lol  What torture!  Well, I don't want to tortue him that bad, the fact of watching Dolly Parton, and all those southern accents is too horrible for anyone, and I like Pat.  He is my friend....speaking of my friend...he just yelled "Stella!" from his bedroom....hmm I guess that means he needs something.  More coffee perhaps, or to ask me to turn the channel as something "queer" (his words, not mine) is about to come on.  He is funny~ He also likes to scream from his bedroom "CHRISTINA ! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"  Yep, he's a barrel of fun... Although, he is slightly more fun when he is mobile.  He can do a lot of things by himself.  He LOVES to just sit outside for hours.  I will go out and sit with him from time to time, I sit for about 10 minutes then I have to get up and go do something.  He teases me.  I'm a little OCD.  There is always something to do.  It seems like I do laundry and dishes non stop....I really could use a wife.  I think I will put an ad in the paper..."Wanted: Someone to cook, clean, tell me I'm wonderful, fold laundry, and run my errands." I wonder how much I should pay someone to be my wife?  It IS a big job.  I could finally sit around and paint my fingernails.  I don't get to do that very often.  This would make me happy.  Or perhaps I can sit on my ass and watch Nicolas Cage movies.  He makes me moist.  Oh yea....Well, Tyrone is now screaming "Oh Yea, snap into a slim jim!" I haven't heard that for a couple weeks now...he thought it pertinent to scream it every 4 minutes after Macho Man Randy Savage died....So I guess I better get in there...Well, I meant to write about all the crap I had to do to get ready for the party, but I ended up talking all about Tyrone, so whatever....my rants make me feel more relaxed...very zen right now...oh yea, Tyrone is calling.....I also have ADD...and lose focus a lot...lol  Look! A hummingbird outside my window.  I like hummingbirds....

stuck in bed

I feel bad for my client who is stuck in bed...and not only is he stuck in bed..there is absolute crap to watch on tv.  Poor thing has to watch reruns of All in the Family, now don't get me wrong, I like a good All in the Family, but not my first choice.  I suggested Dancing with the Stars, and he gave me the look of death....what??  You don't want to see kids dancing around while people tell them they suck and watch them cry?  I like to watch other people get yelled at!  That's probably why I have much love for Judge Judy~ She rocks my socks~  But, fine.....it's your tv..whatever..lol  He is stuck in bed today because of a pressure sore.  Sometimes he gets a sore and has to stay off of it for a few days...it totally sucks.  He is bedridden and I can't go anywhere cause the house might catch on fire while I'm gone and he'd be stuck in bed.  So please send his butt some "fast healing" thoughts.  He wants to attend my graduation this weekend along with the party, and doesn't want to celebrate from his hospital bed.  I'd be outside partying away and might completely forget about him inside.  Especially if I partake in some beverages that might make me giddy.  He is my best friend and I want him to giddy with me!  He tells me all the time to try sitting in a wheelchair for 8 hours straight in the 90 degree weather...uh....no thanks.  I have buzzed around the house in his power chair though, and that's kinda fun.....but then I can get up and walk away and he cannot :(  I got to go now, cause All in the Family is over and some chick flick is starting....I think I'm gonna pretend not to hear him....hee hee