tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-43483589652447063692024-02-20T23:57:46.053-08:00Christina's CornerThis is my blog that started off to be about being a caregiver to a quadriplegic...but kind of rants about a bunch of stuff that have nothing to do with anything...it's kind of fun..hope you subscribe! Comment, suggest to friends..etceteraCrazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.comBlogger25125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-50417810175454587722013-02-24T12:33:00.001-08:002013-02-24T12:33:52.591-08:00Chocolate Covered OrgasmsHave you missed me??? Yea, I've been busy and all...blah blah blah. Okay, just lazy. Whatever. So Tyrone's brother came over for a birthday dinner today. He likes chocolate cake. I like chocolate cake. Actually, I love chocolate cake. I made a two layered triple chocolate fudge cake that did not fall apart while stacking, which is by far a huge accomplishment. I put a layer of chocolate frosting in between the layers and around the top and side. Then I finished it off with shavings of white chocolate chips, which my 14 year old said looked like dandruff. It was "<i>heavenly</i>" ( FYI: when I use italics, it means that you must sing the word) So we all had a slice and I am seriously considering going over and sneezing on it so no one touches anymore. Tyrone's brother has diabetes, which I shouldn't have made it for him in the first place, but ya know, it's your birthday and crap and you really should be able to eat what you want on there. Screw you Wilford Brimley! Back away from my cake! I mean...Tyrone's brother's cake. Ya know, I would really be doing him a disservice if I let him take the rest of the cake home with him. I must not let that happen. I must keep the rest. It was so moist and chocolately, I literally orgasmed. Seriously. I had to change my under wear. Now that is a damn good chocolate cake! And Cybil must not have thought much about the dandruff comment cause she cut herself a pretty good piece....lol <br />
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So here's my post....short and sweet. Very sweet. As sweet as this chocolate cake, which I am seriously considering licking so no one wants any more. That's how I roll. Screw y'all. Have a super sweet Sunday everyone! Crazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-56637909020506788742012-08-11T16:24:00.001-07:002012-08-11T16:24:31.209-07:00I am not a gay man, not that there's anything wrong with that.<i><span style="color: #741b47;">Ya know about swagbucks? Well my little sister turned me on to this demonoid page about a year ago. It can be very profitable, if you are online 24/7. I, however, have a life, a pretty busy life at that. I cannot be online all the time, and if I could, then I would be on facebook endlessly stalking people and reading about their retarded little lives, and look at videos of cats playing the piano. I would also totally get all involved in all the fights, cause I find it quite entertaining. You know you love it to, don't fucking lie about it. Someone writes on their page something like " Some people are stupid hoes." Then the stupid hoe chimes in about she needs to watch her back cause if she treated her man better he wouldn't be lookin after the stupid hoe. Right about now, I am envisioning Nicki Minaj singing the beautiful melody "Stupid Hoe". If you haven't heard it, I suggest you stop what you are doing right now and youtube it. Stop!............ It's okay, you can come back to this later. It's kind of a ridiculous tune that gets stuck in your brain until you start crying while holding fistfuls of your hair, sitting naked on the sidewalk wondering what the hell happened. It totally has that effect on people, I swear. Cybil turned me on to it. I have to admit I am a Nicki Minaj fan. I think I'm trying to hang on to my awesome youth. I'm turning 39 in a couple of months and I'm about as happy about that as I would be if beetles started crawling into my ass. That would probably tickle. um...nevermind, what the hell was I talking about. Oh yea, those fucking swagbucks. </span></i><br />
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<i><span style="color: #741b47;">Anyway, you can earn more swagbucks by using the search engine. You can then buy things with your swagbucks. I am a bargain hunter so I try and search at least once a day. I have become quite good at typing in a search term hitting send, then deleting part of the word so more searches become available, quickly clicking on them and doing it all over again. The faster you are the more things you can search for, then the faster you are awarded swagbucks. I will start out with Home, then I might add Depot to that, then delete Depot, and jump to Home Interiors...etc. Do you get the picture?</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="color: #741b47;">So I type in Adam West, don't even ask me why, I type in the stupidest shit imaginable, don't know what part of the brain this surfaces from. Then I jump to Adam and Eve, then jump to Adam4Adam, which I find out is for gay men looking for gay men. I pause for a moment and I recall a conversation that Tyrone and I had awhile ago about the government watching over what we search on our computers looking for terrorists and shit. This causes me to laugh because in this one search frenzy I have searched for gay men, sex toys, and Home Depot. This does not look good and would most certainly give someone the wrong idea about me. Hmmm.....maybe now I should search heterosexual stuff. I really have to try harder and not looking like a gay man. Not that there's anything wrong with that! (For you Seinfeld boobs)</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #741b47;">Carry on... </span></i>Crazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-42419818661398599392012-07-25T06:36:00.001-07:002012-07-25T06:37:25.484-07:00Duct Tape and the black man's penis<span style="color: #990000;"><i>So, crashed my new to me car the other day. yes. I'm retarded. Cybil and I were leaving the Dollar Tree which happens to be an awesome store because I feel comfortable telling my kid to get whatever you need, cause mommy is a cheap ass. Anywho, I stopped in to buy a birthday card and some Red Vines. (cause Red Vines rock) and was talking to Cybil, and thinking that I must hurry to get home to Tyrone cause my father was coming over and I don't like to expose my father to people for any length of time. So, I'm checking behind me as I pull out and don't see anyone over my right shoulder. That's because the guy is right behind me. shit. As I hear and feel the sound of crushing plastic bumper, I shoot out an array of swearwords that would make a sailor blush. My 13 year old has pointed out to me that I'm swearing. Yes, Cybil. Mommy knows she is swearing. Now shut the hell up. I pull back into the parking space and exit my vehicle to find the bumper in almost 2 pieces flapping in the wind. It's only 98 degrees out as I talk to the old man with the straw hat that I have side swiped. He is an extremely nice old man, who is smoking the fattest stogie I have ever seen. It's so fat that for a moment, I am turned on. It looks like a black man's penis, cause I've been told they are fat as hell too. So, he is driving a white Ford Flex, which by the way is a really ugly boxy looking car, but now has a really cool blue pinstripe down the side. He seems unsatisfied that I have given him this service, so we exchange insurance information so that he can get it removed. Trust me, it looked a lot better with the pinstripe. I offered to do it from the other side as well, so that it matched, but he didn't care for that idea. So I call Progressive to report my little accident. I get customer service representative Amy, who won't shut up. She gets my information and then repeats back to me a little commentary about one day she backed up into someone and she also has a 13 year old too and wasn't that funny? Shut the hell up, Amy you whore and process my fucking claim. The old man with the stogie is puffing on that big dick-like looking cigar and I'm about ready to cry from anger at myself for taking my nice, beautiful, new to me car and turned it into a hillbilly, duct taped, concoction. Which reminds me, put duct tape in my car. You never know when you will need it. I had to drive home with the bumper flapping in the wind. Tyrone inspected my vehicle when I returned home and tried not to laugh. He smiled, and I gave him the evil eye my mother taught me, and he turned and went back into the house. So my little mistake cost me a $500 deductible. I did $1000 damage to the white car and $874 damage to mine. Thank God for insurance, and Amy the whore.</i></span>Crazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-42758990990199307642012-07-17T06:19:00.004-07:002012-07-17T06:20:51.149-07:00Keep your legs closed, please.<span style="color: purple;"><i>Hello to all my weird friends! I have been out of school for 20 freaking years. Yes, I know what you are thinking...."What? That can't be true! She looks so youthful and vivacious!" But, unfortunately it's true and I was thinking that there are a lot of things I wish I knew then, when I was an 18 year old who thought she knew everything. I now have an 18 year old who probably thinks she knows everything....and my 13 year old knows way more than her stupid mother too. I have really smart kids. As Dave Hester would say.....YUUUUP! Here are 20 things I wish I knew 20 years ago. There are way more than 20 but if I wrote them all you would get tired of reading...cause our attention spans are just not good. </i></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>1. Keep your legs closed! Yes, While I LOVE my daughter, I would have waited a couple more years to have her. And after reading the Fifty Shades of Grey, I have learned that there is a shitload of stuff you can do without opening your legs! Fun!</i></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>2. Hairs will grow out of your chin! I know! What the hell! I don't remember my mom teaching me that this would happen. I spend a lot of time in front of the mirror and Tyrone enjoys asking me what I'm doing even though he knows damn well what I'm doing. </i></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>3. Do your kegel exercises! You will lose a little pee when you laugh, sneeze, fart, or sometimes even just get up out of your chair. It's not fun. </i></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>4. Listen to your parents! Even though mom didn't tell me about the chin hair thing, she was pretty smart about everything else. </i></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>5. Drama is for teenagers! Once you become an adult, lose the drama. It's not worth it and there are better things to do, for instance, Judge Judy is fucking amazing! Watch her and you will forget all of your troubles. </i></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>6. Save your money! When you are a teenager and you have money it's the most AWESOME thing in the world! but then you become an adult and have to decide whether you want to eat this week, or buy the latest Call of Duty game. </i></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>7. Do sit ups! Alot! Your stomach muscles become flabby when you don't use them. And if you eat Little Debbies, it is way worse. </i></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>8. Little Debbie is a bitch from hell. See #7.</i></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>9. DON'T DATE LOSERS! This one deserves all caps because for some reason women will date these losers who don't drive, don't work, live with their parents, and they think they can change them. Well unless you have superpowers, you won't change him. Dump him and move along, he is draining you down to loserville. </i></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>10. Eat healthy! As I said, while Little Debbie is the most fucking delicious chocolately goodness, she will put fat in places you don't want. She is a bitch from hell and doesn't care that your pants are tight. </i></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>11. Wear clothes that fit you! You look like a fat piece of sausage when you wear clothes that are 2 sizes too small cause you can't come to the realization that you are fat. Just embrace it and buy the larger shirt. People make fun of you if you don't, trust me, I am one of those people. </i></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>12. Go to college! It's harder than fuck to go to school, run a household, raise children, and control the universe when your are 38 years old. Plus your brain don't work good no more.</i></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>13. Go ahead and buy that vibrator. Hell, your an adult, sometimes men just don't do it right. They have good intentions and all, but they'll be down there till their tongues turn blue. Buy the vibrator and be in control of your own orgasms. Just learn how to fake them so he's precious feelings don't get hurt. </i></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>14. Wear a supportive bra 24/7! These things are heavy and when you don't support them, they sag. It's very sad. Tyrone's 88 year old mother told me hers looked like 2 dead fish just laying there. Lovely mental pic, thanks!</i></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>15. Create your own happiness! See #13.</i></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>16. Teach your kids some manners! Teenagers today are horrible, awful, disrespectful, little brats who wear their hats backwards, their underwear showing, and their cleavage popping out all over the place. </i></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>17. Your body starts to ache in places it shouldn't. My feet! I have to wear shoes in the house cause my feet and legs will ache if I don't. What the hell? I like being barefoot so this sucks big hairy balls. </i></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>18. Travel before children! The only place you will visit when you have children is McDonald's and the occasional Chuck E. Cheese. Children suck the life out of you not to mention your money. So just refer back to #1.</i></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>19. Don't buy your kids a pet unless you are ready to clean up after the furry fucker! Your kids won't do a good job cause they are kids and not real good at stuff yet, so you will have to redo it anyway. Save yourself some heartache and teach your kids at a very young age that a pet rock is the mostest amazing pet he will ever own! Kids are stupid, they will believe you! For a few months anyhow. </i></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>20. Buy a good mattress! Your back will thank you. You are old now. Your back hurts. Your legs hurt. You make noises when getting out of bed. You make noises while getting into bed. You creak and crack and moan, it's really quite horrible. You are old now. Take care of yourself. Having children is very hard on your body. But always refer back to #1. Keep your legs closed. </i></span>Crazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-5986127181054827812012-06-11T18:32:00.001-07:002012-06-11T18:32:24.716-07:00wet dreams and Gordon Ramsey<span style="color: #990000;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So, I totally saw Chef Gordon Ramsey tonight. I am super psyched that he is in Norwalk this week, but totally pissed that I couldn't get a reservation at the crappy Bistro to see him. I love Kitchen Nightmares and Hell's Kitchen! I try to imagine what it is like to have sex with Gordon. I like how his hair is all tousled on top of his head. It kinda turns me on. I picture him swatting my ass with a metal spatula because I've been "brilliantly naughty" in his sexy, panty moistening British accent. Perhaps bend me over the counter where he passes the food over to the gay guy who seats people. The gay guy will probably sit quietly in the corner watching us, while cursing my name because he's not the one bent over taking Gordon's gigantic spatula on the ass. He'll be so jealous. I do think that Gordon's face needs a little work though. He looks rough as hell, but I suppose yelling and screaming all day will do that to you. Also probably the heat from the kitchen isn't very good for the skin. He could use a moisturizer. So anyways, I didn't get the damn reservation so I decide I will do a drive by. Well, it was a popular idea I guess, as there were a whole row of us. I get to the bottom of the hill and glance to my left to see Gordon in his glorious white chef's jacket and his blond tousled hair gazing down at some table underneath a tent. I then think, SHIT! My damn phone is in my purse! I realize that I should have been more prepared, but I am not in the habit of stalking celebrities very often so it never comes to mind. I can't take a picture and now the asshole behind me is honking his horn and I must move along. I then go get Katie from baton, make her sit in the back seat, with my camera ready as we slowly creep down to the bottom of the hill once again where Katie is poised and ready. Bloody Hell, a bunch of freakin cameramen and roadies. Gordon has vanished, into the night as quickly as he arrived. All I have left is the brief moment we spent together, while I was stalking him and looking at him bent over the table, unaware that he was part of this moment....the moment before the asshole behind me honked me back into reality. And that is all I have, well that and the wet dream I will undoubtedly have tonight....</span></span></span>Crazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-73502776461511291682012-05-26T06:17:00.001-07:002012-05-26T06:17:14.332-07:00Smoking pot and sweaty boobsHello all! That title got your attention, I know it! HA, now because of your interest in my sweaty boobs, you are stuck here reading my blog! HA!<br />
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It is I, once again, your favorite blogger that posts less frequently than the locusts visit. I am just so busy. You know, all the awesome mom things ya know. I have to chauffeur Cybil around to her various destinations. She is involved a lot which I like, my first kid wouldn't do anything. lol Sorry my sweet. She did do girl scouts for a few years and I was lucky enough to make her dreams come true by being the leader. I'm sure she loved that the only hour a week she could escape my presence and lunacy, that I was there too. No such luck, little child. She also did basketball for like a hot second. Can't remember why she quit that after only a couple games. She really didn't have any WNBA recruiters busting down our front door, so perhaps that's it. It reminds me of when I joined the track team in the 7th grade. I was going to be the best track superstar of the entire school. I was going to have people from all over the country attend the track meets of the amazing girl who can jump hurdles like she is on fire. Well, it all started with this boy. That's usually how it starts right? I mean who wants to go and get all sticky sweaty and stuff on purpose. yuck. I hate to sweat. Perhaps if I was less endowed I wouldn't care so much, but when you have that under the boob sweat, it's totally not fun, and when you put powder under there it just gets all cakey and shit. Sometimes I think I would totally like to have small boobs, so I wouldn't have to wear a bra again. But then my daughters wouldn't make fun of me wearing one of those tank tops with the built in boob shelf as a bra. And I like to totally freak my daughters out. It's kind of a hobby for me..but those tanks are totally comfortable as hell, right? You know that when you come home, the bra comes off! My daughters insist on wearing bras all the time, even when they sleep so their boobs are not saggy like their moms. They are certain it's because of those sling tank tops. Oh well. I couldn't care less. But, I would gt them perked back up in a hot second if I ever won the freaking lottery. Although, I would ask for the super firm version so I wouldn't have to wear a bra. Perhaps they could put rounded metal shelves under the silicone. That's a million dollar idea right there!<br />
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Okay, I think I got off track.....cripes. Well, anyway there was this boy....And now that I think about it, this boy was very dorky looking. I didn't shoot my hopes too high by falling for the football and basketball players, I set my hopes low and a little more realistic by dating the members of the track team, and if we had a chess team, probably them too. Although there was a druggy I had my eyes on for quite awhile. Purrr...he is still extremely hot, even after 20 years. Can you believe it?? I have been out of high school for 20 freaking years! The graduates and end of school has made me remember my high school days. I had a lot of fun! Probably too much fun, but was also a pretty good kid. I never got in trouble, except for my "Ban the Spork" campaign my senior year. I was a rebel. I didn't have my first joint till I was 36 years old. That's pretty amazing in my opinion. Perhaps if I hooked up with the hot druggy I could have experienced more psychedelic awesomeness at an earlier age. But I'm happy I stayed drug free. I only did it when I was 36 cause all my friends were doing it and I wasn't going to be the one who didn't ya know....peer pressure...it's a dangerous thing. And in all honesty, I don't even think it worked....perhaps I was just too drunk from my Sailor Jerry and cokes to notice. Sailor Jerry will fuck. you. up. He's a wicked bastard. Waking up on the floor by the toilet with my pants around my ankles and my so-called "friends" taking videos of me with their phones wasn't cool. But, ya know, if it wasn't me on the floor, I totally would've had my phone out too. Totally. Ha.<br />
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Anywho...get back to doing something productive, would ya? Go stalk people on facebook, or whatever floats your dingy. <br />
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Till we meet again,<br />
meCrazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-69286548040704759842012-04-19T18:53:00.000-07:002012-04-19T18:53:07.580-07:00Terrible Teenager of Titanic Proportions<span style="color: #741b47;">Well, I have had a busy couple of months and I apologize to all of my loyal followers for being denied my totally awesomeness filled rants of lunacy. Today's choice of rants is once again....Cybil. Okay so is 13 too young for me to sell her off to a band of gypsies? Cause I know they come through here on occasion when it gets warm. I remember when I was 17 and working at the corner store in Wakeman. My bosses at the time Clif and Carol Sabin (wonderful couple if ever one existed), so Clif would say to me, "Now, watch out for them gypsies! They'll cheat ya!" He was right! Every summer a big pile of them would come in to the store and spread out everywhere where you couldn't keep your eye on all of them. One would be at the cash register asking for change for a $20 and hopefully walking away with change for a $50 by some retarded unexpecting cashier who had not even completed high school yet, trying to rile me. They never did though, cause I was totally smarter than them dang gypsies. oh yea. My $4.10 an hour was my bread and butter..ya know cause I needed to buy cassette tapes of Poison, neon knee socks, rubber bracelets, lots and lots of hairspray and stuff, and condoms....lots and lots of condoms, cause you know, teenagers are horny all the time and what not. Anywho...I'm thinking of selling her to the gypsies. I wonder what they pay for a 13 year old? They might make me pay them, or else they'll try and return her after about a day and she starts whining and rolling her eyes..she's really good at that, the best eye roller in town in fact. She's also smart as a whip. She tells me all the time that she knows everything. I wish I knew as much as her. I think that as you get older and you have teenagers you start to lose brain cells...or maybe they just suck them out of us while we're staring at them while thinking "Where in the hell did I go wrong?" </span><br />
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<span style="color: #741b47;">So, she has her moments..ya know last night she was eating this frozen strawberry thing that I bought her because I'm awesome and all that, and she offered me a bite. I was delighted as typically she stays far away from me. I opened my mouth for a taste and she runs to get another spoon, because you know mom's have germs...lol well, I kinda have a thing about that too, so I'll let that one slide. And she did thank me for taking her to the movies tonight. We saw Titanic 3D...but she was sure to tell me 9 times that her head was killing her because it was soooo long and she hates wearing 3D glasses, and then sat through dinner complaining about the food and that it was not good, and did I know that her head was killing her? Yep, see if mommy takes your ass to another 3D movie again. I think I'll hurl myself over the counter and ask the girl to stab me with the popcorn scooper. </span>Crazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-37421323157470659672012-03-01T17:24:00.000-08:002012-03-01T17:24:51.249-08:00Suck it, Valet chick!Today I hope you will allow me to vent. Although I usually just end up venting on this blog anyways...so today will not be much different. My day was going quite spendidly, Cybil was at school, I had worked off the weight I gained from eating an entire box of Thin Mints over the weekend, (I know what you are thinking and I just advise you to shut the hell up already, they are delicious and I haven't had them since last year and I work really hard, and I am an adult and I can eat a whole box of cookies and there is really nothing u can do about it, so get off my case already), and they were playing Devo on the radio, which always makes me feel good and funky. Great day, then I had to drive Tyrone to Cleveland Metro today for a dr appt. There is one valet in particular that I really like. For one, he only charges me the minimum because of my crippled friend, and cause I think I'm white and I think a lot of black men like the white girls, uh huh baby, whatever works for discounts~ for two, he never even bothers with giving me a ticket, cause he parks the van right there in front, and has stopped traffic to allow me to load/unload Tyrone. He likes me because I tip him well. That's what you do for each other, you tip someone well and they give you discounts. So we pull up and I unload him to find 5 women and men in blue coats running around like they have no clue what to do. Where or where is my friend?? Then I hand the keys to a woman who says, "I can't park that, you'll have to go somewhere else." Eh, excuse me? I ask what do you mean, I park here all the time, as we come here about 6 to 7 times a year, sometimes more. She says to me that she has to call someone. So Tyrone and I sit and wait for them to tell me that they cannot park it, but I can park it in the spaces to the right. I explained to them that the reason people choose valet is so they do not have to park, you give your keys to the friendly attendant, they say thank you and you are on your happy way. She evidently showed up late to her orientation that explained the meaning of the term "valet". She informs me that I need to pull up and around, because now I have someone who has pulled right up behind me and of course I pulled right up behind someone else, as this is what is typically done in a valet situation. I know the drill, I always valet. I am lazy. Anyways, I creep the van in and out of the parallel parking space, pull up, then proceed to drive in reverse about 100 feet to back it into a tiny spot they are pointing to me. She then informs me that I am out to far, and would I mind moving it back some more. By this point, I am ready to shove my foot so far up her ass she can taste my shoes. I then explain why I had to park my own vehicle, when it was valet? She said that they were not trained to park those "things". Now mind you, we have a van. It is a regular full size van, not a bus, or a limo, or anything longer..it's a freaking van. She said they don't mess with the lift. I said, as you can see, I have already unloaded him myself and do not expect you to mess with the lift because you will probably mess it up. I trust no one. I then say, well then I don't have to pay for the valet because I parked it myself, correct? Oh heaven's no! You still have to pay for the space. Lovely...now because of the blue coated bitch we are late to his appointment. When I return to pay the $9 fee because I was over my hour by 10 freaking minutes so it went up to the next amount, I ask if there's someone I can speak to. Of course not. I ask where is my friend? He says they are a new valet company and he did not stay on as a member. Well shit. So they say to me "We cannot move lift vans." I said the lift is inside, all you have to do is sit in the seat and drive it to a space. It's just a van. Well, he informed me that they were not trained to do those. Okay, so valet can move cars, trucks, minivans, and probably full size vans, but not mine. Mine is one of those special vans. Even though I had closed the lift up, and everything, and by looking at it, it's a normal van. They cannot move it. She then had the audacity to look at me funny, when I took my change and did not give her a tip. Are you kidding me? I had to park my own van. F-you. Crazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-57625523665799716442012-02-07T06:24:00.000-08:002012-02-07T06:24:13.931-08:00Spam...Not the potted meat kindHoly Hell it's been too long since I blogged and you all were probably ready to send out a search party for me and everything. I am safe and alive. I promise. I didn't realize it had been September since I last spoke with all 9 of my adoring fans. You probably all had a terrible holiday season because of it. I am truly sorry....anywho, so much has happened since then. I turned 38(ugh), my demon child turned 13(double ugh), my 18year old got engaged (it's okay, she's not pregnant!), I became addicted to the fruit flavored Mentos (not the Rainbow kind, those actually suck hairy balls, this is the fruit flavored one, and it turns out there is a BIG difference, and we began the Ohio winter season. Fortunately it's been a freakishly warm winter season which is probably a bad thing and keeps reminding me of that global warming thing and how the earth is probably gonna blow up or have some other sort of catastrophic event. Which reminds me that it is now 2012 which means that we are all gonna die this year or John Cusack will come and save us, which is okay with me cause I used to have a huge crush on John in the 90's. He performance in the movie Better off Dead was superb. I don't understand why he didn't win an Oscar for that performance, but enough about that. <br />
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So to bring you up to today's topic: Spam. Now I know what you are thinking.....ooh the rectangular shaped container of potted meat goodness? barf...Tyrone loves Spam. I think that there is something wrong with him. He likes it fried up and on a sandwich, but if I refused to cook it cause it kinda smells, he'd probably just eat the shit right outta the can, that's how messed up he is. I opened my email this morning to find that I had 27 new emails overnight! I am so popular, was my initial reaction. Little did I know, that the majority of these people that took the time to write out an email to me, did not even know me! Can you believe it? and I'm a little disheartened that they think that I am into things that I am not. For example, I received an email from Bodacious Black Bootys. Am I to assume that they think I have a bodacious black booty and they want me to join their team, or that I have a bodacious black booty fetish? I'm confused. I received another email with a subject line that read, "We want to give you a gift". Well I am all about gifts, so this intrigued me. I opened the email to find out that there is this couple who live in Albania who won the lottery and they want to share it with deserving individuals such as my self. How exciting I thought! I AM deserving anyways, well, to get this gift of $50,000 I just have to send them only $3000 to handle the transfer of the monies, apparently in Albania, they can't just write you a check and mail it. I did not know this. I'm learning so much. And another email had a subject line of "the best sex you will ever have". Now, I like sex. It is very good, but the best that I will ever have? Although it was a little intimidating, I opened it only to find out they want to sell me a penis pump. Are they trying to sell me a penis pump because they think that I have a penis, or that the man in my life has a tiny penis? Either way, I am a little insulted. I am unsure of how to handle these emails. I will mull it over my warm cup of cappuccino this morning while I suck on Mentos, fruit flavored of course. Hmmm...Crazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-1972696332757681402011-09-30T06:18:00.000-07:002011-09-30T06:18:27.169-07:00Fold the laundry you lazy cripple!<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I have had a busy few weeks...i've been extra busy with wifely duties even though I am no longer a wife....I really could use a wife..as you may have read in some of my previous posts, but no one has yet to apply for the position...yea, fuck you toos...fine! I'll do it all myself, as usual..all while making Tyrone feel guilty for being a lazy crippled ass. Yea..I say that too him a lot...I'll ask him to fold the laundry while I'm gone, and I come home and he hasn't done a God damned thing except play free cell on his computer and throw the newspaper off the table onto the floor. His contribution to my gray hairs. He's so sweet..don't get your panties in a freakin bunch...I love the crippled bastard...it's okay...I kinda figured when I moved him in with me that he wouldn't be much of a help around the house, but thought that I'm kinda magical and maybe I could change him...yep, so I still gotta fold the laundry...I'd ask demon daughter to do it, but I have received the look of death already 8 times this week, and I'm pretty sure she's plotting my horrific and painful death. It's strange that every time I ask her to do something for me, she comes down with bizarre illnesses...I haven't figured it out and will probably have to take her to the doctor for them to put her back to normal, or better than normal...I'll say, please fold this laundry for me..."But mom!! I can't cause I have a pimple on my butt and it hurts real bad when I sit and I can't sit and fold laundry!!" Okay, well please unload the dishwasher.. "But mother! I can't because they just finished their cycle 3 hours ago and the dishes are still warm and I'll probably get burned which will be bad cause my hands have been hurting a lot lately." Go clean your freakin pigsty room! " But MOTHER!!! I can't because I have a headache and everytime I bend down to pick something up off the floor it makes me dizzy and I think I'm gonna pass out!" Oh dear God...get me my fucking vodka.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Well, I've been sleeping quite well lately. This is how I measure my stress. When I was married to my DKD (Dear Kid's Dad...or Dicky Kid's Dad..your pick) yea, shut the hell up...my kids don't read my blog.. anywhoo...I was so stressed and hardly slept...most of the time I lay there awake listening to him sleep which would piss me off that he could sleep when it was so completely obvious how furious I was because I wouldn't say good night..he should have known that I was pissed about whatever...he was supposed to be able to read my mind after 17 years of marriage..right? anyway...glad that's over cause I was so stressed and couldn't sleep, so I would lay there plotting his demise....or what shit I would leave for him and what I would take...HA When I divorced him, I had a hard time sleeping, cause I was going through a crazy divorce and still sleeping with him and all, which was weird..it would keep me up at night wondering why I hated his guts yet still needed a booty call once in a while...Now, he's remarried and I'm very happy and now I sleep like a freakin rock! It's great! I can fall asleep anywhere at anytime...I told Tyrone well, now u will know when something is bothering me..I won't be able to sleep. In fact, I had to have a renal ultrasound the other day to check some things out...no worries..I'm fine and will be able to fill your lives with glee for several more years~ Anyway, I actually fell asleep during the ultrasound! HA...the chick touches my arm and says....Maam, you need to take a deep breath and hold it...lol Damn woman! Don't wake me up, this is me time! Well, Tyrone is yelling for some coffee...Damn man! I'm busy! Everybody always wants something from me. ~Fuck them all~</span>Crazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-36930305373304378432011-09-22T06:12:00.000-07:002011-09-22T06:12:48.167-07:00The X factor and warm cheeseSo, I watched a little bit of the X factor last night...it wasn't too bad, but I really can't stand Simon so I couldn't watch it for very long. Don't get me wrong, I'd totally have sex with him....but I'd have to tape his mouth shut, cause he'd probably be telling me it was one of the worst auditions he's ever seen in his entire life, cause I would be so nervous and shaky, and probably a lil bit sweaty. Plus, I could totally rock out to Rolling in the Deep by Adele in my car, so I could quite honestly see myself on stage belting out the bluesy sounds of Adele...Or I am also quite good at the Heeee Hoooo part of just about any of Michael Jackson's songs....ya know the one where he grabs his crotch, goes up on his tippee toes and goes "Heee Hoooo!" Yea, I totally rock the fuck out of that. I'd grab my crotch and everything. In fact, I'm practicing right now...lol<br />
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I am just about ready to light up demon daughter's room into a huge freakin blaze...it is a pig sty...I am mortified by just walking by the room which I have to do to get to my room. I literally turn my head to the right so I don't even get a glimpse of the mess hole of demon death...I am so tired of hearing, "Mom, I can't find (insert inadament oject here). "Well, my darling daughter, perhaps it is located at the bottom of one of the 10 heaping piles of crap." "No, mom! I already looked there!!" Well, okay, mama's gonna go drink vodka now...see you tomorrow.<br />
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So, the day before yesterday I was baking banana bread cause I am totally the reincarnate of Betty Freakin Crocker...wait, is Betty Crocker even dead?? I should really do some investigating on that,,anyway, it was all warm and shit in my kitchen. When I opened my freezer the steam came at me, so I just thought it was my warm kitchen against my cold open freezer door...but no, it was the beginning of my refridgerator taking a serious dump. So the next morning, I go to get some chicken out for dinner and it's very soft...I start to feel ill. I turn the freezer up and run into Tyrone's room.. "Tyrone! The fridge is dying!" He says, " damn" Okay.....thanks for your help! You lie there in your quadriplegic state and I shall run around saving the beef! Damn cripples...lol jk...I call him a filthy cripple all the time, he likes it...<br />
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So, I call the landlord (AKA the creepy old dude who wants to see me naked) who asks me if the fridge was there when I moved in....well, yes...I wouldn't call you to replace something that I have bought, unless it would work.... Well, I spend the next 3 hours on the internet and on the phone searching for a new fridge that I can pick up today. He says we can take my truck, and I can pay for it, but I want you to drive...um....okay, (shivers down my spine, and puke in my throat)...so Tyrone says that while I'm driving he's gonna try and take advantage of me and I needed to take one for the team so we could get a new fridge, yea, okay...no problem...u just sit here and wait for my return, but don't stand in the way to the bathroom cause as soon as I get home, I'm gonna be hurling like Woody Harrelson did in the movie KingPin after he had sex with his creepy old landlord cause he couldn't pay his rent...."Oh, it's not THAT bad!"<br />
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So, by 2pm that day we have a new fridge! YAY! As I'm putting the stuff back in that hasn't spoiled, Tyrone spots a bag of shredded cheese that I have thrown in the garbage...there is about a half cup in there and he says, "Get that outta there!" "But, Tyrone, it is warm" "It's okay, I'll eat it tonight, it will be fine, don't throw it away!" Ugh....are you kidding me? We can afford to throw out a half a cup of cheese...but whatever, it's your body...of course I'll be the one cleaning up after you hurl all over yourself since you're all crippled and stuff...nice. Whatever you say, my fuhrer....there's no point in arguing...he wins this one...warm cheese back in the fridge...I'll throw it out when he leaves the room...lolCrazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-24435447574317719882011-09-14T17:39:00.000-07:002011-09-14T17:47:39.285-07:00Two posts today! Aren't you the lucky one!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi72LX1qeOr9mzaq4dmhmCwI8MFBe0JfFDoTDQg02kK9SFYaTsRA5jSkof7tZphIBdHOB3kqnTxrZhtO7ECFxbhCFosyGvyzNpoVnluRIOxIETA10aIK-YoObpUOvpjOdYVK550gvPMEycD/s1600/spacebag1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi72LX1qeOr9mzaq4dmhmCwI8MFBe0JfFDoTDQg02kK9SFYaTsRA5jSkof7tZphIBdHOB3kqnTxrZhtO7ECFxbhCFosyGvyzNpoVnluRIOxIETA10aIK-YoObpUOvpjOdYVK550gvPMEycD/s1600/spacebag1.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFDSyXzSZL5BPCW2jOubmTv-_vL4QUHZaAJCW0oMQbCo_Qo6d6y0KtV2xDZEMSMbTjSnpqnolxAj2pQ8nO_LqT-pOlP5xee-Ne92EdsrrthZJFeCjdr87u2JE-HHK48sbrcwoax6zBZJvF/s1600/spacebag2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFDSyXzSZL5BPCW2jOubmTv-_vL4QUHZaAJCW0oMQbCo_Qo6d6y0KtV2xDZEMSMbTjSnpqnolxAj2pQ8nO_LqT-pOlP5xee-Ne92EdsrrthZJFeCjdr87u2JE-HHK48sbrcwoax6zBZJvF/s1600/spacebag2.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixW4CzPuPS6bbvrM1Cl8kUFC0Ahya1yj2LJ8DdaVz2_6xNZQ_K-KUxzEC2A6u6MYh8GRUL9muf2fKpgbhFJgvYSvCMQO8YjU3W-4TM2_pea4GCVJ5qEvuQD84z2Tn9FDwPWkpYz5HZf-vN/s1600/spacebag3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixW4CzPuPS6bbvrM1Cl8kUFC0Ahya1yj2LJ8DdaVz2_6xNZQ_K-KUxzEC2A6u6MYh8GRUL9muf2fKpgbhFJgvYSvCMQO8YjU3W-4TM2_pea4GCVJ5qEvuQD84z2Tn9FDwPWkpYz5HZf-vN/s1600/spacebag3.jpg" /></a></div>Holy Hell! The space bags worked! It's freakin amazing! I am gonna space bag the house, I think I'll start in demon's room....she's got a shit load of stuffed animals, many of which were won at fairs, by her mistaking ability to throw darts at balloons....."Mom, I'm really good at this! Give me $5.00!" Then she wins the retarded little booby prize which is a 4" tall stuffed smurf, or some shit. So, there are 85 tiny stuffed animals that serve absolutely no flippin purpose but to litter my floor with sadness. Then there are doll babies that she does not play with, but we can never get rid of because someone gave them to her and they will be sad. What the hell? Grandma probably could care less if you get rid of the doll with pen marks on her face and is missing a leg that she bought your for Christmas when you were 4. She won't even know...I'm gonna space bag all these little fuckers and send them to the moon~ Then I'm gonna space bag all my clothes that don't fit me anymore, but I can't throw away cause someday I will be down to that size again, and if I throw them out, I will have nothing to wear, so I won't even try to lose the weight cause I won't be able to go out and buy all new clothes..so it's way cheaper to just stay fat, right? Then I'm gonna space bag all of Tyrone's ripped t-shirts that he won't let me throw out and I just keep them at the bottom of the drawer. And all his sweatshirts and long sleeved shirts and his funeral pants, cause he never goes to the funeral...and the last funeral he went to he didn't even wear those pants, so bam~! They're getting space bagged baby! BooYah~ I have an adrenaline rush...You think I could space bag electronic cords and shit? You know how many different cables, and connectors, and cords, and crap I have stolen from cable men over the years...They are in a big box in the top of my closet....space bag baby, space bag! I'm totally gonna space bag barbie clothes too, and the old pillows that I won't sleep on cause they're so old and gross, that I save them for my guests....space bag!<br />
I'm on a roll....Crazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-32200641303286021192011-09-14T06:27:00.000-07:002011-09-14T06:27:10.966-07:00Space Bags and a gold tooth.....ugh<i><span style="color: #660000;">Things have been kinda crazy around here lately...I sincerely think I need to start drinking or something..more than I already do. lol I think for a short period of time, it might be nice to be in an alcohol induced crazy ass state of mind when my demon daughter starts crap with me. Turn 13 already! Cybil makes more appearances than Katie does, I'm wondering what Cybil did to her..she is somewhere hiding deep below giggling as Cybil makes a new hair on my head turn gray. The other day I was explaining to her that she needs to be more responsible...it's been terrible, forgetting shit all the time. So, the very next day, shes getting ready to leave for school, I'm half asleep and I say "Do you have everything? You didn't forget anything did you?" Only to be acknowledged.."Yes, mother! God!" I crawl back into bed..I hear what sounds like running footsteps back towards the house, the door slams..."Mom! You gotta get up and drive me back down to the bus stop, I forgot my cheerleading shoes!" I'm gonna murder her.</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="color: #660000;">OMG! I had the craziest dream last night! Ya know the black guy in the Allstate commercials with the sexy deep voice??!?? I was dreaming that I was leaning up against the kitchen counter and he walked up behind me and pushed his body up against me..close enough I was poked in the lower back with something..he must've had somethin in his pocket..yep, lol Anyways, he leaned in and whispered in my ear, in his deep sexy voice.."Can I have a glass of water?" So I had to pour him a glass of water with him and his member pinning me to the counter, it was awkward to say the least, but a little exciting at the same time..lol don't know where the hell that came from! I think I need to have some sex..lol</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="color: #660000;">So, yesterday, the landlord AKA creepy old man who wants to see me naked, is mowing my lawn...I got to park the car and run inside before he can shut his lawnmower off and yell "Hello!" Running, and carrying the shit I gotta carry, when I drop my water bottle...DAMN! The mower stops....I throw up in my mouth a little bit, wave behind my head, pick up my bottle and run into the house! Tyrone sees me dodging the landlords advances, and comes to my rescue...wheels outside and talks to him for me, allowing me to get into the house and hide underneath my bed. ugh~ I guess it wouldn't be so bad, if he could give me a month or two off the rent..I'd have to have a puke bucket next to the bed though..His gold tooth gives me nightmares~Perhaps if I was in an alcohol induced stupor.....</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="color: #660000;">So I bought one of those Space Bags yesterday that you place your blankets and pillows in and then suck all the air out until it is a flat little pancake. Easy enough right? I'm actually a little moist thinking about it..I shall space bag every fucking thing in this joint! I will have so much extra space around here, I will be giddy. I will report my comments on this remarkable seen on tv product...Perhaps they will have me do an infomercial..I'm way cuter than Billy Mays ever was, RIP Billy...</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="color: #660000;">Well, I got shit to do...bags to suck, and what not </span></i>Crazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-4570766879863485662011-09-09T06:27:00.000-07:002011-09-09T06:27:33.830-07:00Hello Ladies, did someone call for a Superhero?So, the demon daughter had her first football game that she was cheering for last night. The fun started at 6:05am that day when she couldn't find her socks....Yes, wake up, mother! because I have lost something in my tornado induced bedroom where I have thrown everything on the floor and you can't even see that I have a floor, and their is something questionable on my window sill and when you enter, you have to gasp at the smell and pull your shirt over your mouth so you don't automatically hurl. I told her last week to clean her room and she screamed "Mother, I will!!!" Hence where I got the name, Demon child. Yup, so she found her sock cause I wouldn't get out of bed. Then, at 6:20 it's "Mother, get up so you can drive me to the bus stop, because it's dark, and I can't walk down there in time, cause the driveway is 3 miles long and I will miss the bus, and I think it's starting to rain, which will ruin my hair. Ugh~ So, I get up, throw on shoes, grab my keys and drive the little demon down the driveway. Did I mention that when I was young, I had to walk 5 miles to MY bus stop in the snow and rain and tornadic weather..and it was uphill both ways? Did I tell you? Huh? Cause it was rough. But I digress....So, then I get a phone call that screams "Mother! I need you to bring me nail polish remover, cause I didn't remove the bright orange nail polish from my fingers and the cheerleading director will yell at me! Yea, I'll get right on that. Let me drop what I am doing, and drive the finger nail polish remover down to you cause you were too lazy, or forgetfull, or whatever to do it earlier. So, then she calls me at 2:25pm, where r u? I'm in Norwalk buying you groceries for your lunches, cause you don't want to stand in the lunch line for 480 minutes for glue like macaroni and cheese. So, then I get a phone call at 2:50pm, 3:20pm, 3:45pm, and 4:05 pm. I am dodging my calls. Damn kid, leave me alone already! geez. Then I finally pick up at 4:06 and explain that I am on my way home from Norwalk, with the 4 yr old nephew, who wants to go to the football game, but I'm under the sneaking suspicion that he does not care about the foot ball game, he just wants his Aunt Tina to buy him popcorn. I explain, that I will bring it before the game, and this is not my problem that she forgot, and I wasn't making a special trip to bring her nail polish remover.<br />
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One thing that was cute though, is my nephew. We were on our way to my house and I asked him how his first day of preschool went, he said, fine. I asked him what his teacher's name was. He said "I'm not going to tell you right now." WTF? Is it a secret? I then said, okay, what are the names of your friends you made today. again, "Aunt Tina, I don't want to tell you " Fine! I didn't want to know anyway! I was just making conversation! lol damn kid.....<br />
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So we arrive to the football game, Katie wipes her nails off, we carry our chairs to sit, cause we brought Tyrone so we have to sit below the bleachers for his wheelchair. The game starts, and then the nephew says he wants popcorn...we go up to snack bar, of course, no popcorn....would you like something else? "Yea, popcorn" There is no popcorn. "But I want some" Oh, okay, well snack bar lady, you see, he wants some. So snap to it! No go...how bout some nice m&m's...I mean, you're not sleeping over at Aunt Tina's so, here's the big bag! YAY! we walk back to our seats and then here comes the massive black clouds over us...we're fucked. Downpour...I was having a good hair day too...damn rain. So, we run to the van and pile in and go home. The boy says..."my m&m's got wet" ugh, oh well, get over it kid. Home we go, I say, you better change your pants cause those are all wet..he immediately drops his drawers in the kitchen and says okay. I think he's going to be a stripper when he grows up. I picture him dressed up as Capt America, opening the door to the bachelorette party he's attending, saying something like..."Hello ladies, did someone call for a Superhero, cause I am here! Anyways, it was a pretty good day. Other than answering 1000 questions from the boy during the evening...Why did you get pepperoni on the pizza? Why are we drinking juice? Who is that boy? Why are those kids wearing those shorts? Do we have to pay for our tickets here? Which way do I walk? Will you hold my hand? Why are those cheerleaders yelling? What do you mean I can't have popcorn? <br />
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Well, the team lost, the cheerleaders looked great, despite the one girl who had bright orange traces of fingernail polish in the corners of her nails...It was incredibly noticeable. Not....Crazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-2705109714403319252011-09-06T06:27:00.000-07:002011-09-06T06:27:45.111-07:00Sucks to be you, dude<span style="color: #4c1130;">So, I've been thinking about this guy who played the lottery at work in the lottery pool. He was off on sick leave for 3 months and didn't pay in to it. Well, they win the lottery and this guy has a lawsuit now to get his grubby little hands on some of it, cause he played too, and he's real sorry he forgot to put in, and pretty pretty please can I have some of this money????? Well dude, it sucks to be you right now, but you're pretty much fucked. I would be kicking myself in the ass too, but if a judge actually grants this douchebag any money at all, I will have no more respect for our judicial system. Everybody wants to sue these days. Everybody has the freakin hand out. Well, you know what??? I was gonna play those numbers too, give me some damn money. Tyrone wishes he could get back the day he broke his neck. I wish I could actually weigh what it says on my drivers license! Some shit, you aint ever gonna get back..sucks to be you, right now. woulda could shoulda...shit happens...you missed this boat, but keep playing, maybe you'll get lucky again. Don't waste everybody's time with a ridiculous lawsuit!</span><br />
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<span style="color: #4c1130;">Okay, I feel better...now onto other things..I drove the demon child to the bus stop this morning cause it was cold, and dark, and blah blah...okay, fine! Tried to go back to sleep afterwards and of course, could not, because I was fully awoken to cold and darkness, and whining...sucks to be me. But, she's off to school, and this makes me smile. I love her and all, but it's been a long weekend. I had to help her with her cheers this weekend for cheerleading. and I couldn't just call out the cheers, I had to watch each cheer to ensure it was being done correctly...nevermind that I have no clue how it's supposed to be done, I don't know what a hurkey, or jerky, or turkey is...i wasn't a cheerleader. I was the girl in the back of the room making fun of the cheerleaders because they were blond and perky and cute..yada yada yada...now by daughter is a blond, perky, cute, cheerleader....damn..now I have to go to games, and clap, nevermind I would much rather be home in my tootsie roll pajama pants and huge sweatshirt watching Judge Judy on tv, and eating cookie dough...that's okay, honey..mommy loves you and all that crap, so I will come to your game. </span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: #4c1130;">I love my demon daughter, and the older one too, who used to be a demon, but has passed the torch to Katie...ah..only 5 more years till she turns 18....</span>Crazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-10862602014540156402011-09-01T06:47:00.000-07:002011-09-01T06:47:33.922-07:00I need a freaking wife!<i><span style="color: purple;">I created this damn blog so I could talk about being a caregiver, but I usually on bitch about other stuff...oh well, I think I will rename it Christina's Drama...</span></i><br />
<br />
<i><span style="color: purple;">Okay, I have said this many times before and I think everyone must of thought I was joking or something, cause no body has applied for the job...but I really do need a wife. I have lots of shit to do. I have to take care of Tyrone all day, or when he hollers for me...lol I have to do laundry, make dinner for my demon daughter to her level of satisfaction..(apparently, I have failed at this task a lot lately, as she bitches every night about the dinner that I have chosen to make and not consulted with her prior, where do I get off?) Anways, like I was saying...I want a wife who can do all those wife like things for me. I would like someone to cook me dinner while I sit on my ass and watch reruns of Judge Judy as I paint my nails. Judge Judy is flippin awesome and she deserves my complete undivided attention, and I feel bad cause I haven't had any time to spend with her lately, and she is probably sad about that. I would like a wife to do laundry for me every two days. You know your favorite pair of underwear? You know you have a favorite pair! They're nice and roomy and don't ride up or nothing, or roll down in the front cause your gut is bigger than it used to be..Well I have 2 pairs of these favorite pieces of undergarments. So I need my laundry done every two days so I don't have to wear the underwear underneath those that are skimpier and kind of sexy. I haven't had to get into the sexy underwear in a while and I feel kinda happy about that. I like my favorite underwear. So, since I only have 2 pairs, she will have to keep up on that. I also would like someone to sweep the floors for me. My demon/daughter is supposed to do this every Friday but she does it as half ass as you can possibly do and then screams..."That's the best I can do! God!!" It's quite dramatic. I tread lightly around her lately, as I am sure she plots my demise while I sleep. And I would like my wife to tell me how beautiful I am at least 4 times daily. She should offer to fetch me things too, like the remote when it is too far for me to reach without getting up or leaning far too much which might make me pull a muscle or nick my painted fingernails. I don't need the wife for sexual purposes, so that would be good. We would both be able to get a full nights sleep in separate beds of course, cause i don't roll that way. I think I would have to get her her own room on acounta I snore sometimes. It's a very light, ladylike snore that you can barely hear..yea right..but I would give her her space. I think that would be wonderful. And perhaps she could go out and find a part time job and give me all of her earnings, too. I would give her $5 a week to spend on whatever she wants and the rest would go to me. I after all, have to pay the bills....yup..this marriage thing could work out well...now all I need is to find a pretty little wife who will do everything I say..shouldn't be a problem, right? Who's ready to apply?? Anyone? Hello?</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="color: purple;"></span></i>Crazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-66264087265997578502011-08-24T06:33:00.000-07:002011-08-24T06:33:02.773-07:00Daughters and Demons<i><span style="color: #351c75;">I can't believe it's been over a month since I blogged...I apologize to each of you who check hourly to see if I've posted anything new! I know there are many of you that sit on the edge of your seat to read my rants of unrelatable blabber..Well this is what I've been up to~ Tyrone, the demon child and myself had a pretty good summer...The demon child is turning 13 soon so her summer was filled with moments of funny laughter and smiling and then changed to hateful and loathing..i don't believe that I ever went through this as a child, my mother only had wonderful things to say about me and my childhood, about how much joy I brought her and she cherished each and every day with me as I was such a delight to have around...she waited 9 years to have another child after me and I am convinced it's because she was sure that she couldn't have a child better than me, so why try? Then one day...OOPS came my lil sis~ Anyways, back to me....so i had one of these wonderful daughters who brought me much joy too! Actually two of them..I think that while me and my now ex were conceiving these children, our thoughts were so far away of terrible teenage years...had we been able to see into the future perhaps things would be different~ lol just kidding..i love my kids and all that crap, i swear~ My oldest turned 18 so is now an adult and i can't tell her what to do no more, so that kinda sucks..not that she listened to me before but ya know..I tried. She's working and doing well, and hopefully staying out of trouble.. My youngest has been a tornado of moods swinging from delightful to demon like in less than 6.5 seconds looking at me as if she could tear out my eyes and stomp them to mush on the floor~Lord help me not to spiral out of control and do something unbelievably heinous like taking away her cell phone or throwing her out a window, both of which would be unforgivable in her eyes.. but if I threw her out the window I'd have to clean up all that glass, then I'd have to hang some sort of board up there or something so bugs don't come in the house and crawl into my brain...She's already lost the cell phone in the beginning of the summer, but I gave it back because it was more of a pain in the ass to ME that she didn't have it.. So now we're in 7th grade, big bad middle schooler...off to school yesterday for the first day..how was your first day, darling? Fine..Oh that's wonderful, glad you had such a wonderful day that you could sum it up in one word...looks at me as if i have horns coming out of my head and ventures to her room...ahh where's my valium?</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #351c75;"> </span></i>Crazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-44953165284965495982011-07-05T06:30:00.000-07:002011-07-05T06:30:00.071-07:00Fireworks and Sore vaginasWe had a full day yesterday~ Went to the 4th of July Parade where my daughter marched in her baton group. It was hot, but we found a great spot under some trees. Nice parade, big empty spots but overall nice. Then went to Wendy's for lunch with my nephew. Home to get Tyrone off his butt and listen to how wonderful he is that he got up in his wheelchair early so I could take us all to this fun filled family event...lol So, now I gotta lay him down so he doesn't have to sit in his chair for 1378 hours, or something like that. We don't want any bedsores, or chairsores, or whatever the hell can happen if he sits on his butt for 1378 hours in a row. I know many people who do this all the time, I wonder if they ever get pressure sores? I always tease my lil sis who watches movies all the time, I wonder if she ever gets couch sores on her butt, I'll have to ask her next time I see her....She's always telling me about different movies, she's the movie nerd...well mostly just a nerd....lol~ Sorry La-Teesha. Anyways...I work on my homework while Tyrone, and my youngest take naps! I know! I would like to take a nap, but I am mom, and therefore not allowed. After 3 grueling hours on a paper about clinicians in the human services field (i know, right?) we all get up and have dinner with my oldest, who comes over on occasion to forage for food. Seems her dear father and stepmother rarely have food...or good food...i don't know. She proceeds to tell me about what has been going on in her life, like that the stepmother buys generic toilet paper and it's making her vagina sore. I love how my daughter shares every single thought in her head outloud. I had been wondering how her vagina had been, ya know, cause she's been out of diapers for quite some time now....holy Hell!~ So, we all eat dinner together and get ready to go see fireworks! We had a pretty good time, kids played with some glow in the dark necklaces that some jackass has to go around and sell to the kids, so the kids say, "Mom! Mom!" Can I have a glow in the dark necklace that I will wear this one time and then probably break and never wear again, and one day 5 years from now, you will find the broken pieces behind the couch? Please????? Well sure!! I have too much money anyhow, I'd love to give it to the guy with a glow in the dark mohawk! Anyways, fireworks, then sat for 57 hours waiting to get out of the parking lot. why do I do this? I like fireworks but is it really worth it to sit and inch yourself out of the parking lot for 57 hours when it is over? Yup...so home we go! Tyrone finally gets to see the cute little solar lights I bought and hung in our flower garden. He never stays up this late, cause of the whole pressure sore thing...he is thrilled to catch a glimpse of the solar balls of wonderment! As I expected!! I'm sure he will fall asleep tonight with a big ass grin on his face just thinking of my glowing balls! I know that's the last thing I think about each night before my head hits the pillow. <i>Happy 4th of July everyone!</i>Crazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-23874606247324458642011-07-03T06:26:00.000-07:002011-07-03T06:26:32.643-07:00Lewd sexual act in the Walmart parking lot<span style="color: #990000;"><i>So Tyrone and I ran a gazillion errands on Friday....first we went to nursing home to see how is mother is doing, she's on some good pain meds and proceeded to tell us how she thought she was pregnant, but it turned out to be just a really big poop....yup, she's funny....so she tells us that she is so glad not to be pregnant, cause she doesn't wanna do that again..lol She also tells me thank you for helping her with her checkbook. I explain that I help Tyrone with his checkbook and I was glad I could help. She said I was smart and hoped I wasn't a big liar.....I'm not sure if there's a compliment in there or not, I'm still scratching my head about that one. I help her write a letter to a friend of hers who had sent her a letter. I write as she says," Dear Laquisha", (I have changed the name to protect whoever the hell needs to be protected) "I'm glad to hear from you, I am doing terrible. I'm having lots of problems with my bowels" Stop right there! I change it to, "I'm doing fine, having a little stomach discomfort, though." At this point Tyrone explains to his mama that Laquisha doesn't want to hear about her bowels. The rest of the letter is about how she wants to come see her and misses her and blah blah blah....Love, Roshawnda</i></span><br />
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<span style="color: #990000;"><i>Next on our agenda is Menards to buy something with the $20 rebate I received that is not $20 but $20 in store credit~ Sons of bitches...they got me, now I gotta come back~ We bought some stepping stones to make a lovely sidewalk at the bottom of the front wheelchair ramp. Tyrone thinks that this would be lovely. This would be lovely, if I had someone else carry the 50 pound concrete slabs for me! What the hell! So my fuhrer, says to buy 12 of them....no problem~! Then it's 5pm since we spent the majority of the afternoon learning about unwanted pregnancies and the size of mama's poop, this makes us hungry! I got a $25 Outback gift certificate from a dear friend, we decide to check it out...I'll sum it up for you~ Service sucked, food was pretty good, but again, service sucked giant hairy balls...I took it upon myself to write to the manager on the website. They want to hear from me, so I'm supposed to call them...I'll prob get a free meal at their hairy ball sucky restaurant~ yay!</i></span><br />
<span style="color: #990000;"><i> </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #990000;"><i>We go on from there to the bank, the grocery store and then to Walmart. Tyrone's urinary leg bag is very full, and we still have 2 stops to make...parked in the middle of the concrete parking lot, I spot a drain. As we wait for the women who are parked there to quit applying lipstick and get the hell out of there, I devise my plan. When they leave, we nonchalantly head over there where I bend down in front of him like I'm adjusting his foot pedals, and I open the valve to release some urine enough to make it to the next two stops....From behind, it appears I am giving him a blowjob in the middle of the Walmart parking lot...quite a sight to be seen...lovely, we tap the bag and high tail it to the van, (Big Red) and screech our way out of the parking lot before the cops come and arrest us for lewd sexual acts and public urination! Yep, I'm a criminal...but you don't know the kinda crap you have to go through when his bag gets too full and bursts all over his shorts! Oh, the joys to being a caregiver~ lol</i></span>Crazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-11273789169011939562011-06-25T06:46:00.000-07:002011-06-25T06:46:08.604-07:00Tyrone my big beautiful black beast<i><span style="color: #674ea7;">I have decided to change my client's name to Tyrone to protect myself from any charges of taking advantage of him that may or may not develop down the road....I have changed his name to Tyrone because I picture him as a big beautiful black man. He tans like crazy and is almost black anyway. So it's kinda true....So me and Tyrone, decided to watch a movie last night recommended by my dear mother. My dear mother, usually has pretty good recommendations, although this one was borderline mentally disabled....which really means it was retarded as hell, but because I am always sympathetic and politically correct, I will say mentally disabled. So anyway, this mentally disabled movie was Inglourious Basterds and it starred the yummylicious Brad Pitt~ He was from Tennessee or some other hillbilly state down south and had an accent that was completely stupid. It was too hillbilly, ya know how you can be hillbilly and then there's extreme hillbillyness. He is extreme. It was about how we killed Hitler, or how Hitler should have died, anyway. I think they must have said "yes, my Fuhrer, a bazillion times...I think that I will start calling Tyrone "my Fuhrer " It's got a nice ring to it, and he is always telling me what to do, ya know like "Are you gonna feed me today?" and "How bout a shower? It's been a week and a half? " Yea Yea Yea....I'm busy playing Farmville! What is more important? I know, my damn crops! I can't let an entire crop of beans wither away! Geez! Anyway, what was I saying....oh yea, Tyrone. Tyrone and I watched this 2 hour and 33 minute movie, that I had to read more than 60% of it...I don't wanna read when I watch a movie, that's why I'm watching a movie and not reading, damnit! Then it flashed so damn fast that I had to speed read, and read aloud cause Tyrone can't see that far without his glasses...anyway, it sucked, but we watched the whole damn thing cause we thought, "It's gotta get better, right? " Wrong....Tyrone hated it, and I thought it was weird. I think we should become the next Siskel and Ebert. We are much better looking. I wonder how you get that job....I'm gonna look into it. Although you have to sit and watch movies all the time, which kinda makes me feel lazy....oh well, I'll keep the job I have I guess....I gotta clean my house now, Tyrone's brother, Antwoine is coming over for dinner with his wife, Shaniqua. It's gonna be a big black beautiful blast~<br />
"</span></i>Crazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-78068638152512566312011-06-16T07:04:00.000-07:002011-06-25T06:27:23.359-07:00You wrote a check to WHO??<span style="color: #4c1130;"><i>Tyrone's poor mother is in a nursing home...she is 87 years old and such a cute lil old lady. She can be feisty though. Pat and I went to visit her yesterday. We brought her a hot fudge sundae which she proceeded to devour as soon as I placed it in front of her. She thanked me and admitted she couldn't remember my name...that's okay, she had been asking about me previously. "Where's that girl that takes care of you? " I used to bring her a cappuccino every time I visited, I am aware of the fact that she probably only likes the fact that I bring her stuff. So, she didn't mean...where is that girl, she meant, how come that girl hasn't brought me anything lately? I feel bad because Tyrone's brother Dan, who takes Tyrone to see her every Sunday usually won't stop anywhere to buy her anything. But I am the one, the golden one...who brings treats in order to buy her love~ Anyway, I have been taking care of people for 9 years and handling doctor's appointments, bills, and balancing checkbooks for too long, so when I saw a pile of unopened mail awaiting me, I dove right in. First of all, I would like to state that charities are a wonderful thing, EXCEPT, when they prey on senile older people and tell them they need to donate money! She gets more freakin' charities that prey on these people, who have no clue that they just sent them $75 two weeks before, because they can't remember, so they send them another $75 this week! I believe that their staff meetings consist of this.. "Hey Bob! Let's send out letters to all the nursing homes and put a picture of a bald child on the front, so they feel bad and send us money!" "Sounds good, Bill! And then we can put inside a freaking gazillion address labels with their name misspelled, and note pads that they will NEVER use, cause they already have 876 million, along with 457 tiny mini calendars with the print so small their little cataract eyes can't see anyway! " "Alright, that's great! Now let's go to lunch! "</i></span><br />
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<span style="color: #4c1130;"><i>This is what I believe...so I threw away a shitload of paper yesterday, and come to the bottom of the pile, where I find unpaid doctor bills, from April 2011. This is what happens when you put a man in charge who works 50 hours a week and has zero patience for calling doctor offices. So I start the phone calls...it seems the insurance company hasn't been paying their part, and the dr office then sends her a bill with the remaining balance due, which she then writes a check and pays. Except, the insurance company is supposed to pay these bills, so she has been paying what she shouldn't....Cripes~ So, I brought her checkbook home and all her bank statements to balance her checkbook, which has not been balanced since the beginning of time...Oh well, this is how I will spend my summer vacation. I totally prefer to balance Tyrone's checkbook, he writes 3 checks each month...that's it..lol And he would kill me if I sent $75 to the wounded seamstresses of Idaho or some other effed up charity...</i></span>Crazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-26826189741890518672011-06-10T05:58:00.000-07:002011-06-25T06:28:47.704-07:00I can't feel my legs!This doesn't have much to do with my client...but is on my mind. I guess I should stop calling him "my client". Not very warm. He is Tyrone. Well, I'm getting ready for my graduation party tomorrow for me and my daughter. She graduated from high school, and I graduated from college! I know, right? So exciting. Anyways, Tyrone is still stuck in bed, although sore is getting smaller. Although, he is also getting very stiff. I can't imagine staying in bed for 3 days, I would go mental. But he is a trooper. I didn't make him watch Dancing with the Stars but Steel Magnolias is on today, so I might have to go into his room, turn it on, and walk out....ha ha...i'm so cruel, I think I'll listen to my Ipod so I can have some peace...lol What torture! Well, I don't want to tortue him that bad, the fact of watching Dolly Parton, and all those southern accents is too horrible for anyone, and I like Pat. He is my friend....speaking of my friend...he just yelled "Stella!" from his bedroom....hmm I guess that means he needs something. More coffee perhaps, or to ask me to turn the channel as something "queer" (his words, not mine) is about to come on. He is funny~ He also likes to scream from his bedroom "CHRISTINA ! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!" Yep, he's a barrel of fun... Although, he is slightly more fun when he is mobile. He can do a lot of things by himself. He LOVES to just sit outside for hours. I will go out and sit with him from time to time, I sit for about 10 minutes then I have to get up and go do something. He teases me. I'm a little OCD. There is always something to do. It seems like I do laundry and dishes non stop....I really could use a wife. I think I will put an ad in the paper..."Wanted: Someone to cook, clean, tell me I'm wonderful, fold laundry, and run my errands." I wonder how much I should pay someone to be my wife? It IS a big job. I could finally sit around and paint my fingernails. I don't get to do that very often. This would make me happy. Or perhaps I can sit on my ass and watch Nicolas Cage movies. He makes me moist. Oh yea....Well, Tyrone is now screaming "Oh Yea, snap into a slim jim!" I haven't heard that for a couple weeks now...he thought it pertinent to scream it every 4 minutes after Macho Man Randy Savage died....So I guess I better get in there...Well, I meant to write about all the crap I had to do to get ready for the party, but I ended up talking all about Tyrone, so whatever....my rants make me feel more relaxed...very zen right now...oh yea, Tyrone is calling.....I also have ADD...and lose focus a lot...lol Look! A hummingbird outside my window. I like hummingbirds....Crazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-39404638619799822342011-06-09T06:20:00.000-07:002011-06-09T06:20:29.721-07:00stuck in bed<b><span style="color: #990000;">I feel bad for my client who is stuck in bed...and not only is he stuck in bed..there is absolute crap to watch on tv. Poor thing has to watch reruns of All in the Family, now don't get me wrong, I like a good All in the Family, but not my first choice. I suggested Dancing with the Stars, and he gave me the look of death....what?? You don't want to see kids dancing around while people tell them they suck and watch them cry? I like to watch other people get yelled at! That's probably why I have much love for Judge Judy~ She rocks my socks~ But, fine.....it's your tv..whatever..lol He is stuck in bed today because of a pressure sore. Sometimes he gets a sore and has to stay off of it for a few days...it totally sucks. He is bedridden and I can't go anywhere cause the house might catch on fire while I'm gone and he'd be stuck in bed. So please send his butt some "fast healing" thoughts. He wants to attend my graduation this weekend along with the party, and doesn't want to celebrate from his hospital bed. I'd be outside partying away and might completely forget about him inside. Especially if I partake in some beverages that might make me giddy. He is my best friend and I want him to giddy with me! He tells me all the time to try sitting in a wheelchair for 8 hours straight in the 90 degree weather...uh....no thanks. I have buzzed around the house in his power chair though, and that's kinda fun.....but then I can get up and walk away and he cannot :( I got to go now, cause All in the Family is over and some chick flick is starting....I think I'm gonna pretend not to hear him....hee hee</span></b>Crazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-91732747669482550992011-05-11T06:42:00.000-07:002011-05-11T06:42:07.150-07:00It's a beautiful day!<i><span style="color: #073763;">Well today is absolutely beautiful! 70 degrees and sunny! Finally! We've had such a long winter! Today is Pat's birthday, he's the man I take care of. He is 54 today~ It was an adjustment for my 12 year old when I decided to move him in. I had quit my job, and become certified as an Independent Care Provider, and moved him from a group home he was in, to a home that I found where we could all live together, that was going to be accessible for him and his wheelchair. It took some time, but found a home. I learned that there are so many different resources out there that help people with disabilities. We were able to find funding that paid for handicap modifications, which made it so much easier! We got several doorways widened, a roll in shower and a huge ramp out the back door. If you just have patience and look at everything, there is a lot that is available to you. </span></i><br />
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<i><span style="color: #073763;"> The process of becoming a provider was lengthy for me, because I kinda went the long way around, but after I got through it all, it was all worth it. Now there are a few classes that you must go through to become certified, have a clean criminal history, and of course not be on the abuser registry, and there you go! Another one of my friend's is currently becoming certified to be a provider too! There are many different types of providers. You could care for individuals who are declining in their health and need some extra care. You can care for children or adults with mental retardation or physical disabilities either part time or full time. You can do one on one services, where you go and pick up the individual from their home and take them into the community for different activities, or even just grocery shopping and other errands. You can also become a foster care provider, which is what I do, where the individual lives with you. There are so many different opportunities available, and so many different individuals who need care. For me, it was the best decision I ever made for me and my daughters. It has given me the opportunity to be home for my kids, a friend to hang out with all day, and the chance to finally give my daughters things that I could not afford before. If you have any questions about this opportunity, please let me know. I will be happy to share my experiences with you....Now, I need to get out and enjoy this beautiful day!</span></i>Crazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4348358965244706369.post-59831559700548313062011-05-07T18:48:00.000-07:002011-05-07T18:48:38.790-07:00Hello and Welcome!<span style="color: #20124d;"><i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Hello~ Welcome to my blog! I have created this blog to help other caregivers have a place to go to ask questions, get advice, meet other caregivers, or to vent! Sometimes we need to do that! lol If you are a caregiver, you understand that it's not always fun or pretty, but it can be so rewarding! If you are a caregiver for a family member or an aging parent, you might not have signed up for this, but got recruited! I have been working for adults who have mental disabilities and/or physical disabilities for the past 9 years. I decided a little more than a year ago to quit the company that I was working for as a group home manager, and go off on my own and become an Independent Care Provider for the State of Ohio Board of Developmental Disabilities. It has been the best decision I have ever made. I am incredibly happy and feel so blessed that I am able to do what I do, and stay home for my children. Someone once said that if you find a job that you love, you will never have to "work" a day in your life. That is my favorite quote! It is so true. I love what I do. I hope that you do as well. I hope that you enjoy my blog, and share it with others! I look forward to sharing with you!</span></i></span><br />
<span style="color: #20124d;"><i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">~Christina </span></i></span>Crazy Christinahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04696947627902985784noreply@blogger.com0