Duct Tape and the black man's penis

So, crashed my new to me car the other day.  yes.  I'm retarded.  Cybil and I were leaving the Dollar Tree which happens to be an awesome store because I feel comfortable telling my kid to get whatever you need, cause mommy is a cheap ass.  Anywho, I stopped in to buy a birthday card and some Red Vines.  (cause Red Vines rock)  and was talking to Cybil, and thinking that I must hurry to get home to Tyrone cause my father was coming over and I don't like to expose my father to people for any length of time.  So, I'm checking behind me as I pull out and don't see anyone over my right shoulder.  That's because the guy is right behind me.  shit.  As I hear and feel the sound of crushing plastic bumper, I shoot out an array of swearwords that would make a sailor blush.  My 13 year old has pointed out to me that I'm swearing.  Yes, Cybil.  Mommy knows she is swearing.  Now shut the hell up.  I pull back into the parking space and exit my vehicle to find the bumper in almost 2 pieces flapping in the wind.  It's only 98 degrees out as I talk to the old man with the straw hat that I have side swiped.  He is an extremely nice old man, who is smoking the fattest stogie I have ever seen.  It's so fat that for a moment, I am turned on.  It looks like a black man's penis, cause I've been told they are fat as hell too.  So, he is driving a white Ford Flex, which by the way is a really ugly boxy looking car, but now has a really cool blue pinstripe down the side.  He seems unsatisfied that I have given him this service, so we exchange insurance information so that he can get it removed.  Trust me, it looked a lot better with the pinstripe.  I offered to do it from the other side as well, so that it matched, but he didn't care for that idea.  So I call Progressive to report my little accident.  I get customer service representative Amy, who won't shut up.  She gets my information and then repeats back to me a little commentary about one day she backed up into someone and she also has a 13 year old too and wasn't that funny? Shut the hell up, Amy you whore and process my fucking claim.  The old man with the stogie is puffing on that big dick-like looking cigar and I'm about ready to cry from anger at myself for taking my nice, beautiful, new to me car and turned it into a hillbilly, duct taped, concoction.  Which reminds me, put duct tape in my car.  You never know when you will need it.  I had to drive home with the bumper flapping in the wind.  Tyrone inspected my vehicle when I returned home and tried not to laugh.  He smiled, and I gave him the evil eye my mother taught me, and he turned and went back into the house.  So my little mistake cost me a $500 deductible.  I did $1000 damage to the white car and $874 damage to mine.  Thank God for insurance, and Amy the whore.