So, I watched a little bit of the X factor last night...it wasn't too bad, but I really can't stand Simon so I couldn't watch it for very long. Don't get me wrong, I'd totally have sex with him....but I'd have to tape his mouth shut, cause he'd probably be telling me it was one of the worst auditions he's ever seen in his entire life, cause I would be so nervous and shaky, and probably a lil bit sweaty. Plus, I could totally rock out to Rolling in the Deep by Adele in my car, so I could quite honestly see myself on stage belting out the bluesy sounds of Adele...Or I am also quite good at the Heeee Hoooo part of just about any of Michael Jackson's songs....ya know the one where he grabs his crotch, goes up on his tippee toes and goes "Heee Hoooo!" Yea, I totally rock the fuck out of that. I'd grab my crotch and everything. In fact, I'm practicing right now...lol
I am just about ready to light up demon daughter's room into a huge freakin blaze...it is a pig sty...I am mortified by just walking by the room which I have to do to get to my room. I literally turn my head to the right so I don't even get a glimpse of the mess hole of demon death...I am so tired of hearing, "Mom, I can't find (insert inadament oject here). "Well, my darling daughter, perhaps it is located at the bottom of one of the 10 heaping piles of crap." "No, mom! I already looked there!!" Well, okay, mama's gonna go drink vodka now...see you tomorrow.
So, the day before yesterday I was baking banana bread cause I am totally the reincarnate of Betty Freakin Crocker...wait, is Betty Crocker even dead?? I should really do some investigating on that,,anyway, it was all warm and shit in my kitchen. When I opened my freezer the steam came at me, so I just thought it was my warm kitchen against my cold open freezer door...but no, it was the beginning of my refridgerator taking a serious dump. So the next morning, I go to get some chicken out for dinner and it's very soft...I start to feel ill. I turn the freezer up and run into Tyrone's room.. "Tyrone! The fridge is dying!" He says, " damn" Okay.....thanks for your help! You lie there in your quadriplegic state and I shall run around saving the beef! Damn cripples...lol jk...I call him a filthy cripple all the time, he likes it...
So, I call the landlord (AKA the creepy old dude who wants to see me naked) who asks me if the fridge was there when I moved in....well, yes...I wouldn't call you to replace something that I have bought, unless it would work.... Well, I spend the next 3 hours on the internet and on the phone searching for a new fridge that I can pick up today. He says we can take my truck, and I can pay for it, but I want you to drive...um....okay, (shivers down my spine, and puke in my throat)...so Tyrone says that while I'm driving he's gonna try and take advantage of me and I needed to take one for the team so we could get a new fridge, yea, okay...no problem...u just sit here and wait for my return, but don't stand in the way to the bathroom cause as soon as I get home, I'm gonna be hurling like Woody Harrelson did in the movie KingPin after he had sex with his creepy old landlord cause he couldn't pay his rent...."Oh, it's not THAT bad!"
So, by 2pm that day we have a new fridge! YAY! As I'm putting the stuff back in that hasn't spoiled, Tyrone spots a bag of shredded cheese that I have thrown in the garbage...there is about a half cup in there and he says, "Get that outta there!" "But, Tyrone, it is warm" "It's okay, I'll eat it tonight, it will be fine, don't throw it away!" Ugh....are you kidding me? We can afford to throw out a half a cup of cheese...but whatever, it's your body...of course I'll be the one cleaning up after you hurl all over yourself since you're all crippled and stuff...nice. Whatever you say, my fuhrer....there's no point in arguing...he wins this one...warm cheese back in the fridge...I'll throw it out when he leaves the room...lol
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