Daughters and Demons

I can't believe it's been over a month since I blogged...I apologize to each of you who check hourly to see if I've posted anything new!  I know there are many of you that sit on the edge of your seat to read my rants of  unrelatable blabber..Well this is what I've been up to~  Tyrone, the demon child and myself had a pretty good summer...The demon child is turning 13 soon so her summer was filled with moments of funny laughter and smiling and then changed to hateful and loathing..i don't believe that I ever went through this as a child, my mother only had wonderful things to say about me and my childhood, about how much joy I brought her and she cherished each and every day with me as I was such a delight to have around...she waited 9 years to have another child after me and I am convinced it's because she was sure that she couldn't have a child better than me, so why try?  Then one day...OOPS  came my lil sis~  Anyways,  back to me....so i had one of these wonderful daughters who brought me much joy too!  Actually two of them..I think that while me and my now ex were conceiving these children, our thoughts were so far away of terrible teenage years...had we been able to see into the future perhaps things would be different~ lol  just kidding..i love my kids and all that crap, i swear~ My oldest turned 18 so is now an adult and i can't tell her what to do no more, so that kinda sucks..not that she listened to me before but ya know..I tried.  She's working and doing well, and hopefully staying out of trouble.. My youngest has been a tornado of moods swinging from delightful to demon like in less than 6.5 seconds looking at me as if she could tear out my eyes and stomp them to mush on the floor~Lord help me not to spiral out of control and do something unbelievably heinous like taking away her cell phone or throwing her out a window, both of which would be unforgivable in her eyes.. but if I threw her out the window I'd have to clean up all that glass, then I'd have to hang some sort of board up there or something so bugs don't come in the house and crawl into my brain...She's already lost the cell phone in the beginning of the summer, but I gave it back because it was more of a pain in the ass to ME that she didn't have it.. So now we're in 7th grade, big bad middle schooler...off to school yesterday for the first day..how was your first day, darling?  Fine..Oh that's wonderful, glad you had such a wonderful day that you could sum it up in one word...looks at me as if i have horns coming out of my head and ventures to her room...ahh where's my valium?
 

Fireworks and Sore vaginas

We had a full day yesterday~  Went to the 4th of July Parade where my daughter marched in her baton group.  It was hot, but we found a great spot under some trees.  Nice parade, big empty spots but overall nice.  Then went to Wendy's for lunch with my nephew.  Home to get Tyrone off his butt and listen to how wonderful he is that he got up in his wheelchair early so I could take us all to this fun filled family event...lol  So, now I gotta lay him down so he doesn't have to sit in his chair for 1378 hours, or something like that.  We don't want any bedsores, or chairsores, or whatever the hell can happen if he sits on his butt for 1378 hours in a row.  I know many people who do this all the time, I wonder if they ever get pressure sores?  I always tease my lil sis who watches movies all the time, I wonder if she ever gets couch sores on her butt, I'll have to ask her next time I see her....She's always telling me about different movies, she's the movie nerd...well mostly just a nerd....lol~  Sorry La-Teesha. Anyways...I work on my homework while Tyrone, and my youngest take naps!  I know!  I would like to take a nap, but I am mom, and therefore not allowed.  After 3 grueling hours on a paper about clinicians in the human services field (i know, right?) we all get up and have dinner with my oldest, who comes over on occasion to forage for food.  Seems her dear father and stepmother rarely have food...or good food...i don't know.  She proceeds to tell me about what has been going on in her life, like that the stepmother buys generic toilet paper and it's making her vagina sore.  I love how my daughter shares every single thought in her head outloud.  I had been wondering how her vagina had been, ya know, cause she's been out of diapers for quite some time now....holy Hell!~  So, we all eat dinner together and get ready to go see fireworks!  We had a pretty good time, kids played with some glow in the dark necklaces that some jackass has to go around and sell to the kids, so the kids say, "Mom! Mom!"  Can I have a glow in the dark necklace that I will wear this one time and then probably break and never wear again, and one day 5 years from now, you will find the broken pieces behind the couch?  Please?????  Well sure!!  I have too much money anyhow, I'd love to give it to the guy with a glow in the dark mohawk!  Anyways, fireworks, then sat for 57 hours waiting to get out of the parking lot.  why do I do this?  I like fireworks but is it really worth it to sit and inch yourself out of the parking lot for 57 hours when it is over?  Yup...so home we go!  Tyrone finally gets to see the cute little solar lights I bought and hung in our flower garden.  He never stays up this late, cause of the whole pressure sore thing...he is thrilled to catch a glimpse of the solar balls of wonderment!   As I expected!! I'm sure he will fall asleep tonight with a big ass grin on his face just thinking of my glowing balls!  I know that's the last thing I think about each night before my head hits the pillow.  Happy 4th of July everyone!

Lewd sexual act in the Walmart parking lot

So Tyrone and I ran a gazillion errands on Friday....first we went to nursing home to see how is mother is doing, she's on some good pain meds and proceeded to tell us how she thought she was pregnant, but it turned out to be just a really big poop....yup, she's funny....so she tells us that she is so glad not to be pregnant, cause she doesn't wanna do that again..lol  She also tells me thank you for helping her with her checkbook.  I explain that I help Tyrone with his checkbook and I was glad I could help. She said I was smart and hoped I wasn't a big liar.....I'm not sure if there's a compliment in there or not, I'm still scratching my head about that one.  I help her write a letter to a friend of hers who had sent her a letter.  I write as she says," Dear Laquisha", (I have changed the name to protect whoever the hell needs to be protected) "I'm glad to hear from you, I am doing terrible.  I'm having lots of problems with my bowels"  Stop right there! I change it to, "I'm doing fine, having a little stomach discomfort, though."  At this point Tyrone explains to his mama that Laquisha doesn't want to hear about her bowels.  The rest of the letter is about how she wants to come see her and misses her and blah blah blah....Love, Roshawnda

Next on our agenda is Menards to buy something with the $20 rebate I received that is not $20 but $20 in store credit~ Sons of bitches...they got me, now I gotta come back~ We bought some stepping stones to make a lovely sidewalk at the bottom of the front wheelchair ramp.  Tyrone thinks that this would be lovely.  This would be lovely, if I had someone else carry the 50 pound concrete slabs for me!  What the hell!  So my fuhrer, says to buy 12 of them....no problem~!  Then it's 5pm since we spent the majority of the afternoon learning about unwanted pregnancies and the size of mama's poop, this makes us hungry!  I got a $25 Outback gift certificate from a dear friend, we decide to check it out...I'll sum it up for you~ Service sucked, food was pretty good, but again, service sucked giant hairy balls...I took it upon myself to write to the manager on the website.  They want to hear from me, so I'm supposed to call them...I'll prob get a free meal at their hairy ball sucky restaurant~ yay!

We go on from there to the bank, the grocery store and then to Walmart.  Tyrone's urinary leg bag is very full, and we still have 2 stops to make...parked in the middle of the concrete parking lot, I spot a drain.  As we wait for the women who are parked there to quit applying lipstick and get the hell out of there, I devise my plan.  When they leave, we nonchalantly head over there where I bend down in front of him like I'm adjusting his foot pedals, and I open the valve to release some urine enough to make it to the next two stops....From behind, it appears I am giving him a blowjob in the middle of the Walmart parking lot...quite a sight to be seen...lovely, we tap the bag and high tail it to the van, (Big Red)  and screech our way out of the parking lot before the cops come and arrest us for lewd sexual acts and public urination!  Yep, I'm a criminal...but you don't know the kinda crap you have to go through when his bag gets too full and bursts all over his shorts!  Oh, the joys to being a caregiver~ lol

Tyrone my big beautiful black beast

I have decided to change my client's name to Tyrone to protect myself from any charges of taking advantage of him that may or may not develop down the road....I have changed his name to Tyrone because I picture him as a big beautiful black man.  He tans like crazy and is almost black anyway.  So it's kinda true....So me and Tyrone, decided to watch a movie last night recommended by my dear mother.  My dear mother, usually has pretty good recommendations, although this one was borderline mentally disabled....which really means it was retarded as hell, but because I am always sympathetic and politically correct, I will say mentally disabled.  So anyway, this mentally disabled movie was Inglourious Basterds and it starred the yummylicious Brad Pitt~  He was from Tennessee or some other hillbilly state down south and had an accent that was completely stupid.  It was too hillbilly, ya know how you can be hillbilly and then there's extreme hillbillyness.  He is extreme.  It was about how we killed Hitler, or how Hitler should have died, anyway.  I think they must have said "yes, my Fuhrer, a bazillion times...I think that I will start calling Tyrone "my Fuhrer "  It's got a nice ring to it, and he is always telling me what to do, ya know like  "Are you gonna feed me today?" and "How bout a shower? It's been a week and a half? "  Yea Yea Yea....I'm busy playing Farmville!  What is more important?  I know, my damn crops!  I can't let an entire crop of beans wither away!  Geez!  Anyway, what was I saying....oh yea, Tyrone.  Tyrone and I watched this 2 hour and 33 minute movie, that I had to read more than 60% of it...I don't wanna read when I watch a movie, that's why I'm watching a movie and not reading, damnit!  Then it flashed so damn fast that I had to speed read, and read aloud cause Tyrone can't see that far without his glasses...anyway, it sucked, but we watched the whole damn thing cause we thought, "It's gotta get better, right? "  Wrong....Tyrone hated it, and I thought it was weird.  I think we should become the next Siskel and Ebert.  We are much better looking.  I wonder how you get that job....I'm gonna look into it.  Although you have to sit and watch movies all the time, which kinda makes me feel lazy....oh well, I'll keep the job I have I guess....I gotta clean my house now, Tyrone's brother, Antwoine is coming over for dinner with his wife, Shaniqua.  It's gonna be a big black beautiful blast~
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You wrote a check to WHO??

Tyrone's poor mother is in a nursing home...she is 87 years old and such a cute lil old lady.  She can be feisty though.  Pat and I went to visit her yesterday.  We brought her a hot fudge sundae which she proceeded to devour as soon as I placed it in front of her.  She thanked me and admitted she couldn't remember my name...that's okay, she had been asking about me previously.  "Where's that girl that takes care of you? "  I used to bring her a cappuccino every time I visited, I am aware of the fact that she probably only likes the fact that I bring her stuff.  So, she didn't mean...where is that girl, she meant, how come that girl hasn't brought me anything lately?  I feel bad because Tyrone's brother Dan, who takes Tyrone to see her every Sunday usually won't stop anywhere to buy her anything.  But I am the one, the golden one...who brings treats in order to buy her love~  Anyway, I have been taking care of people for 9 years and handling doctor's appointments, bills, and balancing checkbooks for too long, so when I saw a pile of unopened mail awaiting me, I dove right in.  First of all, I would like to state that charities are a wonderful thing, EXCEPT, when they prey on senile older people and tell them they need to donate money!  She gets more freakin' charities that prey on these people, who have no clue that they just sent them $75 two weeks before, because they can't remember, so they send them another $75 this week!  I believe that their staff meetings consist of this.. "Hey Bob!  Let's send out letters to all the nursing homes and put a picture of a bald child on the front, so they feel bad and send us money!"  "Sounds good, Bill! And then we can put inside a freaking gazillion address labels with their name misspelled, and note pads that they will NEVER use, cause they already have 876 million, along with 457 tiny mini calendars with the print so small their little cataract eyes can't see anyway! "  "Alright, that's great! Now let's go to lunch! "

This is what I believe...so I threw away a shitload of paper yesterday, and come to the bottom of the pile, where I find unpaid doctor bills, from April 2011.  This is what happens when you put a man in charge who works 50 hours a week and has zero patience for calling doctor offices.  So I start the phone calls...it seems the insurance company hasn't been paying their part, and the dr office then sends her a bill with the remaining balance due, which she then writes a check and pays.  Except, the insurance company is supposed to pay these bills, so she has been paying what she shouldn't....Cripes~  So, I brought her checkbook home and all her bank statements to balance her checkbook, which has not been balanced since the beginning of time...Oh well, this is how I will spend my summer vacation.  I totally prefer to balance Tyrone's checkbook, he writes 3 checks each month...that's it..lol  And he would kill me if I sent $75 to the wounded seamstresses of Idaho or some other effed up charity...

I can't feel my legs!

This doesn't have much to do with my client...but is on my mind.  I guess I should stop calling him "my client".  Not very warm.  He is Tyrone.  Well, I'm getting ready for my graduation party tomorrow for me and my daughter.  She graduated from high school, and I graduated from college!  I know, right? So exciting.  Anyways, Tyrone is still stuck in bed, although sore is getting smaller.  Although, he is also getting very stiff.  I can't imagine staying in bed for 3 days, I would go mental.  But he is a trooper.  I didn't make him watch Dancing with the Stars but Steel Magnolias is on today, so I might have to go into his room, turn it on, and walk out....ha ha...i'm so cruel, I think I'll listen to my Ipod so I can have some peace...lol  What torture!  Well, I don't want to tortue him that bad, the fact of watching Dolly Parton, and all those southern accents is too horrible for anyone, and I like Pat.  He is my friend....speaking of my friend...he just yelled "Stella!" from his bedroom....hmm I guess that means he needs something.  More coffee perhaps, or to ask me to turn the channel as something "queer" (his words, not mine) is about to come on.  He is funny~ He also likes to scream from his bedroom "CHRISTINA ! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"  Yep, he's a barrel of fun... Although, he is slightly more fun when he is mobile.  He can do a lot of things by himself.  He LOVES to just sit outside for hours.  I will go out and sit with him from time to time, I sit for about 10 minutes then I have to get up and go do something.  He teases me.  I'm a little OCD.  There is always something to do.  It seems like I do laundry and dishes non stop....I really could use a wife.  I think I will put an ad in the paper..."Wanted: Someone to cook, clean, tell me I'm wonderful, fold laundry, and run my errands." I wonder how much I should pay someone to be my wife?  It IS a big job.  I could finally sit around and paint my fingernails.  I don't get to do that very often.  This would make me happy.  Or perhaps I can sit on my ass and watch Nicolas Cage movies.  He makes me moist.  Oh yea....Well, Tyrone is now screaming "Oh Yea, snap into a slim jim!" I haven't heard that for a couple weeks now...he thought it pertinent to scream it every 4 minutes after Macho Man Randy Savage died....So I guess I better get in there...Well, I meant to write about all the crap I had to do to get ready for the party, but I ended up talking all about Tyrone, so whatever....my rants make me feel more relaxed...very zen right now...oh yea, Tyrone is calling.....I also have ADD...and lose focus a lot...lol  Look! A hummingbird outside my window.  I like hummingbirds....

stuck in bed

I feel bad for my client who is stuck in bed...and not only is he stuck in bed..there is absolute crap to watch on tv.  Poor thing has to watch reruns of All in the Family, now don't get me wrong, I like a good All in the Family, but not my first choice.  I suggested Dancing with the Stars, and he gave me the look of death....what??  You don't want to see kids dancing around while people tell them they suck and watch them cry?  I like to watch other people get yelled at!  That's probably why I have much love for Judge Judy~ She rocks my socks~  But, fine.....it's your tv..whatever..lol  He is stuck in bed today because of a pressure sore.  Sometimes he gets a sore and has to stay off of it for a few days...it totally sucks.  He is bedridden and I can't go anywhere cause the house might catch on fire while I'm gone and he'd be stuck in bed.  So please send his butt some "fast healing" thoughts.  He wants to attend my graduation this weekend along with the party, and doesn't want to celebrate from his hospital bed.  I'd be outside partying away and might completely forget about him inside.  Especially if I partake in some beverages that might make me giddy.  He is my best friend and I want him to giddy with me!  He tells me all the time to try sitting in a wheelchair for 8 hours straight in the 90 degree weather...uh....no thanks.  I have buzzed around the house in his power chair though, and that's kinda fun.....but then I can get up and walk away and he cannot :(  I got to go now, cause All in the Family is over and some chick flick is starting....I think I'm gonna pretend not to hear him....hee hee