Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Duct Tape and the black man's penis
So, crashed my new to me car the other day. yes. I'm retarded. Cybil and I were leaving the Dollar Tree which happens to be an awesome store because I feel comfortable telling my kid to get whatever you need, cause mommy is a cheap ass. Anywho, I stopped in to buy a birthday card and some Red Vines. (cause Red Vines rock) and was talking to Cybil, and thinking that I must hurry to get home to Tyrone cause my father was coming over and I don't like to expose my father to people for any length of time. So, I'm checking behind me as I pull out and don't see anyone over my right shoulder. That's because the guy is right behind me. shit. As I hear and feel the sound of crushing plastic bumper, I shoot out an array of swearwords that would make a sailor blush. My 13 year old has pointed out to me that I'm swearing. Yes, Cybil. Mommy knows she is swearing. Now shut the hell up. I pull back into the parking space and exit my vehicle to find the bumper in almost 2 pieces flapping in the wind. It's only 98 degrees out as I talk to the old man with the straw hat that I have side swiped. He is an extremely nice old man, who is smoking the fattest stogie I have ever seen. It's so fat that for a moment, I am turned on. It looks like a black man's penis, cause I've been told they are fat as hell too. So, he is driving a white Ford Flex, which by the way is a really ugly boxy looking car, but now has a really cool blue pinstripe down the side. He seems unsatisfied that I have given him this service, so we exchange insurance information so that he can get it removed. Trust me, it looked a lot better with the pinstripe. I offered to do it from the other side as well, so that it matched, but he didn't care for that idea. So I call Progressive to report my little accident. I get customer service representative Amy, who won't shut up. She gets my information and then repeats back to me a little commentary about one day she backed up into someone and she also has a 13 year old too and wasn't that funny? Shut the hell up, Amy you whore and process my fucking claim. The old man with the stogie is puffing on that big dick-like looking cigar and I'm about ready to cry from anger at myself for taking my nice, beautiful, new to me car and turned it into a hillbilly, duct taped, concoction. Which reminds me, put duct tape in my car. You never know when you will need it. I had to drive home with the bumper flapping in the wind. Tyrone inspected my vehicle when I returned home and tried not to laugh. He smiled, and I gave him the evil eye my mother taught me, and he turned and went back into the house. So my little mistake cost me a $500 deductible. I did $1000 damage to the white car and $874 damage to mine. Thank God for insurance, and Amy the whore.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Keep your legs closed, please.
Hello to all my weird friends! I have been out of school for 20 freaking years. Yes, I know what you are thinking...."What? That can't be true! She looks so youthful and vivacious!" But, unfortunately it's true and I was thinking that there are a lot of things I wish I knew then, when I was an 18 year old who thought she knew everything. I now have an 18 year old who probably thinks she knows everything....and my 13 year old knows way more than her stupid mother too. I have really smart kids. As Dave Hester would say.....YUUUUP! Here are 20 things I wish I knew 20 years ago. There are way more than 20 but if I wrote them all you would get tired of reading...cause our attention spans are just not good.
1. Keep your legs closed! Yes, While I LOVE my daughter, I would have waited a couple more years to have her. And after reading the Fifty Shades of Grey, I have learned that there is a shitload of stuff you can do without opening your legs! Fun!
2. Hairs will grow out of your chin! I know! What the hell! I don't remember my mom teaching me that this would happen. I spend a lot of time in front of the mirror and Tyrone enjoys asking me what I'm doing even though he knows damn well what I'm doing.
3. Do your kegel exercises! You will lose a little pee when you laugh, sneeze, fart, or sometimes even just get up out of your chair. It's not fun.
4. Listen to your parents! Even though mom didn't tell me about the chin hair thing, she was pretty smart about everything else.
5. Drama is for teenagers! Once you become an adult, lose the drama. It's not worth it and there are better things to do, for instance, Judge Judy is fucking amazing! Watch her and you will forget all of your troubles.
6. Save your money! When you are a teenager and you have money it's the most AWESOME thing in the world! but then you become an adult and have to decide whether you want to eat this week, or buy the latest Call of Duty game.
7. Do sit ups! Alot! Your stomach muscles become flabby when you don't use them. And if you eat Little Debbies, it is way worse.
8. Little Debbie is a bitch from hell. See #7.
9. DON'T DATE LOSERS! This one deserves all caps because for some reason women will date these losers who don't drive, don't work, live with their parents, and they think they can change them. Well unless you have superpowers, you won't change him. Dump him and move along, he is draining you down to loserville.
10. Eat healthy! As I said, while Little Debbie is the most fucking delicious chocolately goodness, she will put fat in places you don't want. She is a bitch from hell and doesn't care that your pants are tight.
11. Wear clothes that fit you! You look like a fat piece of sausage when you wear clothes that are 2 sizes too small cause you can't come to the realization that you are fat. Just embrace it and buy the larger shirt. People make fun of you if you don't, trust me, I am one of those people.
12. Go to college! It's harder than fuck to go to school, run a household, raise children, and control the universe when your are 38 years old. Plus your brain don't work good no more.
13. Go ahead and buy that vibrator. Hell, your an adult, sometimes men just don't do it right. They have good intentions and all, but they'll be down there till their tongues turn blue. Buy the vibrator and be in control of your own orgasms. Just learn how to fake them so he's precious feelings don't get hurt.
14. Wear a supportive bra 24/7! These things are heavy and when you don't support them, they sag. It's very sad. Tyrone's 88 year old mother told me hers looked like 2 dead fish just laying there. Lovely mental pic, thanks!
15. Create your own happiness! See #13.
16. Teach your kids some manners! Teenagers today are horrible, awful, disrespectful, little brats who wear their hats backwards, their underwear showing, and their cleavage popping out all over the place.
17. Your body starts to ache in places it shouldn't. My feet! I have to wear shoes in the house cause my feet and legs will ache if I don't. What the hell? I like being barefoot so this sucks big hairy balls.
18. Travel before children! The only place you will visit when you have children is McDonald's and the occasional Chuck E. Cheese. Children suck the life out of you not to mention your money. So just refer back to #1.
19. Don't buy your kids a pet unless you are ready to clean up after the furry fucker! Your kids won't do a good job cause they are kids and not real good at stuff yet, so you will have to redo it anyway. Save yourself some heartache and teach your kids at a very young age that a pet rock is the mostest amazing pet he will ever own! Kids are stupid, they will believe you! For a few months anyhow.
20. Buy a good mattress! Your back will thank you. You are old now. Your back hurts. Your legs hurt. You make noises when getting out of bed. You make noises while getting into bed. You creak and crack and moan, it's really quite horrible. You are old now. Take care of yourself. Having children is very hard on your body. But always refer back to #1. Keep your legs closed.
1. Keep your legs closed! Yes, While I LOVE my daughter, I would have waited a couple more years to have her. And after reading the Fifty Shades of Grey, I have learned that there is a shitload of stuff you can do without opening your legs! Fun!
2. Hairs will grow out of your chin! I know! What the hell! I don't remember my mom teaching me that this would happen. I spend a lot of time in front of the mirror and Tyrone enjoys asking me what I'm doing even though he knows damn well what I'm doing.
3. Do your kegel exercises! You will lose a little pee when you laugh, sneeze, fart, or sometimes even just get up out of your chair. It's not fun.
4. Listen to your parents! Even though mom didn't tell me about the chin hair thing, she was pretty smart about everything else.
5. Drama is for teenagers! Once you become an adult, lose the drama. It's not worth it and there are better things to do, for instance, Judge Judy is fucking amazing! Watch her and you will forget all of your troubles.
6. Save your money! When you are a teenager and you have money it's the most AWESOME thing in the world! but then you become an adult and have to decide whether you want to eat this week, or buy the latest Call of Duty game.
7. Do sit ups! Alot! Your stomach muscles become flabby when you don't use them. And if you eat Little Debbies, it is way worse.
8. Little Debbie is a bitch from hell. See #7.
9. DON'T DATE LOSERS! This one deserves all caps because for some reason women will date these losers who don't drive, don't work, live with their parents, and they think they can change them. Well unless you have superpowers, you won't change him. Dump him and move along, he is draining you down to loserville.
10. Eat healthy! As I said, while Little Debbie is the most fucking delicious chocolately goodness, she will put fat in places you don't want. She is a bitch from hell and doesn't care that your pants are tight.
11. Wear clothes that fit you! You look like a fat piece of sausage when you wear clothes that are 2 sizes too small cause you can't come to the realization that you are fat. Just embrace it and buy the larger shirt. People make fun of you if you don't, trust me, I am one of those people.
12. Go to college! It's harder than fuck to go to school, run a household, raise children, and control the universe when your are 38 years old. Plus your brain don't work good no more.
13. Go ahead and buy that vibrator. Hell, your an adult, sometimes men just don't do it right. They have good intentions and all, but they'll be down there till their tongues turn blue. Buy the vibrator and be in control of your own orgasms. Just learn how to fake them so he's precious feelings don't get hurt.
14. Wear a supportive bra 24/7! These things are heavy and when you don't support them, they sag. It's very sad. Tyrone's 88 year old mother told me hers looked like 2 dead fish just laying there. Lovely mental pic, thanks!
15. Create your own happiness! See #13.
16. Teach your kids some manners! Teenagers today are horrible, awful, disrespectful, little brats who wear their hats backwards, their underwear showing, and their cleavage popping out all over the place.
17. Your body starts to ache in places it shouldn't. My feet! I have to wear shoes in the house cause my feet and legs will ache if I don't. What the hell? I like being barefoot so this sucks big hairy balls.
18. Travel before children! The only place you will visit when you have children is McDonald's and the occasional Chuck E. Cheese. Children suck the life out of you not to mention your money. So just refer back to #1.
19. Don't buy your kids a pet unless you are ready to clean up after the furry fucker! Your kids won't do a good job cause they are kids and not real good at stuff yet, so you will have to redo it anyway. Save yourself some heartache and teach your kids at a very young age that a pet rock is the mostest amazing pet he will ever own! Kids are stupid, they will believe you! For a few months anyhow.
20. Buy a good mattress! Your back will thank you. You are old now. Your back hurts. Your legs hurt. You make noises when getting out of bed. You make noises while getting into bed. You creak and crack and moan, it's really quite horrible. You are old now. Take care of yourself. Having children is very hard on your body. But always refer back to #1. Keep your legs closed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)