Suck it, Valet chick!

Today I hope you will allow me to vent.  Although I usually just end up venting on this blog anyways...so today will not be much different.  My day was going quite spendidly,  Cybil was at school, I had worked off the weight I gained from eating an entire box of Thin Mints over the weekend, (I know what you are thinking and I just advise you to shut the hell up already, they are delicious and I haven't had them since last year and I work really hard, and I am an adult and I can eat a whole box of cookies and there is really nothing u can do about it, so get off my case already), and they were playing Devo on the radio, which always makes me feel good and funky.  Great day, then I had to drive Tyrone to Cleveland Metro today for a dr appt.  There is one valet in particular that I really like.  For one, he only charges me the minimum because of my crippled friend,  and cause I think I'm white and I think a lot of black men like the white girls, uh huh baby, whatever works for discounts~ for two, he never even bothers with giving me a ticket, cause he parks the van right there in front, and has stopped traffic to allow me to load/unload Tyrone.  He likes me because I tip him well.  That's what you do for each other, you tip someone well and they give you discounts.  So we pull up and I unload him to find 5 women and men in blue coats running around like they have no clue what to do.  Where or where is my friend??  Then I hand the keys to a woman who says, "I can't park that, you'll have to go somewhere else."  Eh, excuse me?  I ask what do you mean, I park here all the time, as we come here about 6 to 7 times a year, sometimes more.  She says to me that she has to call someone.  So Tyrone and I sit and wait for them to tell me that they cannot park it, but I can park it in the spaces to the right.  I explained to them that the reason people choose valet is so they do not have to park, you give your keys to the friendly attendant, they say thank you and you are on your happy way.  She evidently showed up late to her orientation that explained the meaning of the term "valet".  She informs me that I need to pull up and around, because now I have someone who has pulled right up behind me and of course I pulled right up behind someone else, as this is what is typically done in a valet situation.  I know the drill, I always valet.  I am lazy.  Anyways, I creep the van in and out of the parallel parking space, pull up, then proceed to drive in reverse about 100 feet to back it into a tiny spot they are pointing to me.  She then informs me that I am out to far, and would I mind moving it back some more.  By this point, I am ready to shove my foot so far up her ass she can taste my shoes.  I then explain why I had to park my own vehicle, when it was valet?  She said that they were not trained to park those "things".  Now mind you, we have a van.  It is a regular full size van, not a bus, or a limo, or anything longer..it's a freaking van.  She said they don't mess with the lift.  I said, as you can see, I have already unloaded him myself and do not expect you to mess with the lift because you will probably mess it up.  I trust no one.  I then say, well then I don't have to pay for the valet because I parked it myself, correct?  Oh heaven's no!  You still have to pay for the space.  Lovely...now because of the blue coated bitch we are late to his appointment.  When I return to pay the $9 fee because I was over my hour by 10 freaking minutes so it went up to the next amount, I ask if there's someone I can speak to.  Of course not.  I ask where is my friend?  He says they are a new valet company and he did not stay on as a member.  Well shit. So they say to me "We cannot move lift vans."  I said the lift is inside, all you have to do is sit in the seat and drive it to a space.  It's just a van.  Well, he informed me that they were not trained to do those.  Okay, so valet can move cars, trucks, minivans, and probably full size vans, but not mine.  Mine is one of those special vans.  Even though I had closed the lift up, and everything, and by looking at it, it's a normal van.  They cannot move it.  She then had the audacity to look at me funny, when I took my change and did not give her a tip.  Are you kidding me? I had to park my own van.  F-you. 

Spam...Not the potted meat kind

Holy Hell it's been too long since I blogged and you all were probably ready to send out a search party for me and everything.  I am safe and alive. I promise. I didn't realize it had been September since I last spoke with all 9 of my adoring fans.  You probably all had a terrible holiday season because of it.  I am truly sorry....anywho, so much has happened since then.  I turned 38(ugh), my demon child turned 13(double ugh), my 18year old got engaged (it's okay, she's not pregnant!), I became addicted to the fruit flavored Mentos (not the Rainbow kind, those actually suck hairy balls, this is the fruit flavored one, and it turns out there is a BIG difference, and we began the Ohio winter season.  Fortunately it's been a freakishly warm winter season which is probably a bad thing and keeps reminding me of that global warming thing and how the earth is probably gonna blow up or have some other sort of catastrophic event.  Which reminds me that it is now 2012 which means that we are all gonna die this year or John Cusack will come and save us, which is okay with me cause I used to have a huge crush on John in the 90's.  He performance in the movie Better off Dead was superb.  I don't understand why he didn't win an Oscar for that performance, but enough about that. 

So to bring you up to today's topic: Spam.  Now I know what you are thinking.....ooh the rectangular shaped container of potted meat goodness? barf...Tyrone loves Spam.  I think that there is something wrong with him.  He likes it fried up and on a sandwich, but if I refused to cook it cause it kinda smells, he'd probably just eat the shit right outta the can, that's how messed up he is.  I opened my email this morning to find that I had 27 new emails overnight!  I am so popular, was my initial reaction.  Little did I know, that the majority of these people that took the time to write out an email to me, did not even know me!  Can you believe it? and I'm a little disheartened that they think that I am into things that I am not.  For example, I received an email from Bodacious Black Bootys.  Am I to assume that they think I have a bodacious black booty and they want me to join their team, or that I have a bodacious black booty fetish? I'm confused.  I received another email with a subject line that read, "We want to give you a gift".  Well I am all about gifts, so this intrigued me.  I opened the email to find out that there is this couple who live in Albania who won the lottery and they want to share it with deserving individuals such as my self.  How exciting I thought! I AM deserving anyways, well, to get this gift of $50,000 I just have to send them only $3000 to handle the transfer of the monies, apparently in Albania, they can't just write you a check and mail it.  I did not know this.  I'm learning so much.  And another email had a subject line of "the best sex you will ever have".  Now, I like sex.  It is very good, but the best that I will ever have? Although it was a little intimidating, I opened it only to find out they want to sell me a penis pump.  Are they trying to sell me a penis pump because they think that I have a penis, or that the man in my life has a tiny penis? Either way, I am a little insulted.  I am unsure of how to handle these emails.  I will mull it over my warm cup of cappuccino this morning while I suck on Mentos, fruit flavored of course.  Hmmm...

Fold the laundry you lazy cripple!

I have had a busy few weeks...i've been extra busy with wifely duties even though I am no longer a wife....I really could use a wife..as you may have read in some of my previous posts, but no one has yet to apply for the position...yea, fuck you toos...fine! I'll do it all myself, as usual..all while making Tyrone feel guilty for being a lazy crippled ass.  Yea..I say that too him a lot...I'll ask him to fold the laundry while I'm gone, and I come home and he hasn't done a God damned thing except play free cell on his computer and throw the newspaper off the table onto the floor.  His contribution to my gray hairs.  He's so sweet..don't get your panties in a freakin bunch...I love the crippled bastard...it's okay...I kinda figured when I moved him in with me that he wouldn't be much of a help around the house, but thought that I'm kinda magical and maybe I could change him...yep, so I still gotta fold the laundry...I'd ask demon daughter to do it, but I have received the look of death already 8 times this week, and I'm pretty sure she's plotting my horrific and painful death.  It's strange that every time I ask her to do something for me, she comes down with bizarre illnesses...I haven't figured it out and will probably have to take her to the doctor for them to put her back to normal, or better than normal...I'll say, please fold this laundry for me..."But mom!!  I can't cause I have a pimple on my butt and it hurts real bad when I sit and I can't sit and fold laundry!!" Okay, well please unload the dishwasher.. "But mother! I can't because they just finished their cycle 3 hours ago and the dishes are still warm and I'll probably get burned which will be bad cause my hands have been hurting a lot lately."  Go clean your freakin pigsty room! " But MOTHER!!!  I can't because I have a headache and everytime I bend down to pick something up off the floor it makes me dizzy and I think I'm gonna pass out!"  Oh dear God...get me my fucking vodka.

Well, I've been sleeping quite well lately.  This is how I measure my stress.  When I was married to my DKD (Dear Kid's Dad...or Dicky Kid's Dad..your pick) yea, shut the hell up...my kids don't read my blog.. anywhoo...I was so stressed and hardly slept...most of the time I lay there awake listening to him sleep which would piss me off that he could sleep when it was so completely obvious how furious I was because I wouldn't say good night..he should have known that I was pissed about whatever...he was supposed to be able to read my mind after 17 years of marriage..right?  anyway...glad that's over cause I was so stressed and couldn't sleep, so I would lay there plotting his demise....or what shit I would leave for him and what I would take...HA  When I divorced him, I had a hard time sleeping, cause I was going through a crazy divorce and still sleeping with him and all, which was weird..it would keep me up at night wondering why I hated his guts yet still needed a booty call once in a while...Now, he's remarried and I'm very happy and now I sleep like a freakin rock!  It's great!  I can fall asleep anywhere at anytime...I told Tyrone well, now u will know when something is bothering me..I won't be able to sleep.   In fact, I had to have a renal ultrasound the other day to check some things out...no worries..I'm fine and will be able to fill your lives with glee for several more years~  Anyway, I actually fell asleep during the ultrasound! HA...the chick touches my arm and says....Maam, you need to take a deep breath and hold it...lol  Damn woman! Don't wake me up, this is me time!  Well, Tyrone is yelling for some coffee...Damn man! I'm busy!  Everybody always wants something from me. ~Fuck them all~

The X factor and warm cheese

So, I watched a little bit of the X  factor last night...it wasn't too bad, but I really can't stand Simon so I couldn't watch it for very long.  Don't get me wrong, I'd totally have sex with him....but I'd have to tape his mouth shut, cause he'd probably be telling me it was one of the worst auditions he's ever seen in his entire life, cause I would be so nervous and shaky, and probably a lil bit sweaty.  Plus, I could totally rock out to Rolling in the Deep by Adele in my car, so I could quite honestly see myself on stage belting out the bluesy sounds of Adele...Or I am also quite good at the Heeee Hoooo part of just about any of Michael Jackson's songs....ya know the one where he grabs his crotch, goes up on his tippee toes and goes "Heee Hoooo!"  Yea, I totally rock the fuck out of that.  I'd grab my crotch and everything.  In fact, I'm practicing right now...lol

I am just about ready to light up demon daughter's room into a huge freakin blaze...it is a pig sty...I am mortified by just walking by the room which I have to do to get to my room.  I literally turn my head to the right so I don't even get a glimpse of the mess hole of demon death...I am so tired of hearing, "Mom, I can't find (insert inadament oject here).  "Well, my darling daughter, perhaps it is located at the bottom of one of the 10 heaping piles of crap."  "No, mom! I already looked there!!"  Well, okay, mama's gonna go drink vodka now...see you tomorrow.

So, the day before yesterday I was baking banana bread cause I am totally the reincarnate of Betty Freakin Crocker...wait, is Betty Crocker even dead?? I should really do some investigating on that,,anyway, it was all warm and shit in my kitchen.  When I opened my freezer the steam came at me, so I just thought it was my warm kitchen against my cold open freezer door...but no, it was the beginning of my refridgerator taking a serious dump.  So the next morning, I go to get some chicken out for dinner and it's very soft...I start to feel ill.  I turn the freezer up and run into Tyrone's room..  "Tyrone!  The fridge is dying!"  He says, " damn"  Okay.....thanks for your help!  You lie there in your quadriplegic state and I shall run around saving the beef!  Damn cripples...lol  jk...I call him a filthy cripple all the time, he likes it...

So, I call the landlord (AKA the creepy old dude who wants to see me naked) who asks me if the fridge was there when I moved in....well, yes...I wouldn't call you to replace something that I have bought, unless it would work.... Well, I spend the next 3 hours on the internet and on the phone searching for a new fridge that I can pick up today. He says we can take my truck, and I can pay for it, but I want you to drive...um....okay,  (shivers down my spine, and puke in my throat)...so Tyrone says that while I'm driving he's gonna try and take advantage of me and I needed to take one for the team so we could get a new fridge, yea, okay...no problem...u just sit here and wait for my return, but don't stand in the way to the bathroom cause as soon as I get home, I'm gonna be hurling like Woody Harrelson did in the movie KingPin after he had sex with his creepy old landlord cause he couldn't pay his rent...."Oh, it's not THAT bad!"

So, by 2pm that day we have a new fridge! YAY!  As I'm putting the stuff back in that hasn't spoiled, Tyrone spots a bag of shredded cheese that I have thrown in the garbage...there is about a half cup in there and he says, "Get that outta there!" "But, Tyrone, it is warm"  "It's okay, I'll eat it tonight, it will be fine, don't throw it away!" Ugh....are you kidding me? We can afford to throw out a half a cup of cheese...but whatever, it's your body...of course I'll be the one cleaning up after you hurl all over yourself since you're all crippled and stuff...nice.  Whatever you say, my fuhrer....there's no point in arguing...he wins this one...warm cheese back in the fridge...I'll throw it out when he leaves the room...lol

Two posts today! Aren't you the lucky one!

Holy Hell!  The space bags worked!  It's freakin amazing!  I am gonna space bag the house, I think I'll start in demon's room....she's got a shit load of stuffed animals, many of which were won at fairs, by her mistaking ability to throw darts at balloons....."Mom, I'm really good at this!  Give me $5.00!" Then she wins the retarded little booby prize which is a 4" tall stuffed smurf, or some shit.  So, there are 85 tiny stuffed animals that serve absolutely no flippin purpose but to litter my floor with sadness.  Then there are doll babies that she does not play with, but we can never get rid of because someone gave them to her and they will be sad.  What the hell?  Grandma probably could care less if you get rid of the doll with pen marks on her face and is missing a leg that she bought your for Christmas when you were 4.  She won't even know...I'm gonna space bag all these little fuckers and send them to the moon~  Then I'm gonna space bag all my clothes that don't fit me anymore, but I can't throw away cause someday I will be down to that size again, and if I throw them out, I will have nothing to wear, so I won't even try to lose the weight cause I won't be able to go out and buy all new clothes..so it's way cheaper to just stay fat, right?  Then I'm gonna space bag all of Tyrone's ripped t-shirts that he won't let me throw out and I just keep them at the bottom of the drawer.  And all his sweatshirts and long sleeved shirts and his funeral pants, cause he never goes to the funeral...and the last funeral he went to  he didn't even wear those pants, so bam~!  They're getting space bagged baby!  BooYah~  I have an adrenaline rush...You think I could space bag electronic cords and shit?  You know how many different cables, and connectors, and cords, and crap I have stolen from cable men over the years...They are in a big box in the top of my closet....space bag baby, space bag!  I'm totally gonna space bag barbie clothes too, and the old pillows that I won't sleep on cause they're so old and gross, that I save them for my guests....space bag!
I'm on a roll....

Space Bags and a gold tooth.....ugh

Things have been kinda crazy around here lately...I sincerely think I need to start drinking or something..more than I already do. lol  I think for a short period of time, it might be nice to be in an alcohol induced crazy ass state of mind when my demon daughter starts crap with me.  Turn 13 already!  Cybil makes more appearances than Katie does, I'm wondering what Cybil did to her..she is somewhere hiding deep below giggling as Cybil makes a new hair on my head turn gray.  The other day I was explaining to her that she needs to be more responsible...it's been terrible, forgetting shit all the time.  So, the very next day, shes getting ready to leave for school, I'm half asleep and I say "Do you have everything? You didn't forget anything did you?" Only to be acknowledged.."Yes, mother! God!"  I crawl back into bed..I hear what sounds like running footsteps back towards the house, the door slams..."Mom! You gotta get up and drive me back down to the bus stop, I forgot my cheerleading shoes!"  I'm gonna murder her.

OMG! I had the craziest dream last night!  Ya know the black guy in the Allstate commercials with the sexy deep voice??!??  I was dreaming that I was leaning up against the kitchen counter and he walked up behind me and pushed his body up against me..close enough I was poked in the lower back with something..he must've had somethin in his pocket..yep, lol  Anyways, he leaned in and whispered in my ear, in his deep sexy voice.."Can I have a glass of water?" So I had to pour him a glass of water with him and his member pinning me to the counter, it was awkward to say the least, but a little exciting at the same time..lol  don't know where the hell that came from!  I think I need to have some sex..lol

So, yesterday, the landlord AKA creepy old man who wants to see me naked, is mowing my lawn...I got to park the car and run inside before he can shut his lawnmower off and yell "Hello!"  Running, and carrying the shit I gotta carry, when  I drop my water bottle...DAMN!  The mower stops....I throw up in my mouth a little bit, wave behind my head, pick up my bottle and run into the house!  Tyrone sees me dodging the landlords advances, and comes to my rescue...wheels outside and talks to him for me, allowing me to get into the house and hide underneath my bed.  ugh~  I guess it wouldn't be so bad, if he could give me a month or two off the rent..I'd have to have a puke bucket next to the bed though..His gold tooth gives me nightmares~Perhaps if I was in an alcohol induced stupor.....

So I bought one of those Space Bags yesterday that you place your blankets and pillows in and then suck all the air out until it is a flat little pancake.  Easy enough right?  I'm actually a little moist thinking about it..I shall space bag every fucking thing in this joint!  I will have so much extra space around here, I will be giddy.  I will report my comments on this remarkable seen on tv product...Perhaps they will have me do an infomercial..I'm way cuter than Billy Mays ever was, RIP Billy...

Well, I got shit to do...bags to suck, and what not

Hello Ladies, did someone call for a Superhero?

So, the demon daughter had her first football game that she was cheering for last night.  The fun started at 6:05am that day when she couldn't find her socks....Yes, wake up, mother! because I have lost something in my tornado induced bedroom where I have thrown everything on the floor and you can't even see that I have a floor, and their is something questionable on my window sill and when you enter, you have to gasp at the smell and pull your shirt over your mouth so you don't automatically hurl.  I told her last week to clean her room and she screamed "Mother, I will!!!" Hence where I got the name, Demon child.  Yup, so she found her sock cause I wouldn't get out of bed.  Then, at 6:20 it's "Mother, get up so you can drive me to the bus stop, because it's dark, and I can't walk down there in time, cause the driveway is 3 miles long and I will miss the bus, and I think it's starting to rain, which will ruin my hair.  Ugh~ So, I get up, throw on shoes, grab my keys and drive the little demon down the driveway.  Did I mention that when I was young, I had to walk 5 miles to MY bus stop in the snow and rain and tornadic weather..and it was uphill both ways? Did I tell you? Huh? Cause it was rough.  But I digress....So, then I get a phone call that screams "Mother! I need you to bring me nail polish remover, cause I didn't remove the bright orange nail polish from my fingers and the cheerleading director will yell at me!  Yea, I'll get right on that.  Let me drop what I am doing, and drive the finger nail polish remover down to you cause you were too lazy, or forgetfull, or whatever to do it earlier.  So, then she calls me at 2:25pm, where r u?  I'm in Norwalk buying you groceries for your lunches, cause you don't want to stand in the lunch line for 480 minutes for glue like macaroni and cheese.  So, then I get a phone call at 2:50pm, 3:20pm, 3:45pm, and 4:05 pm.  I am dodging my calls.  Damn kid, leave me alone already! geez.  Then I finally pick up at 4:06 and explain that I am on my way home from Norwalk, with the 4 yr old nephew, who wants to go to the football game, but I'm under the sneaking suspicion that he does not care about the foot ball game, he just wants his Aunt Tina to buy him popcorn.  I explain, that I will bring it before the game, and this is not my problem that she forgot, and I wasn't making a special trip to bring her nail polish remover.

One thing that was cute though, is my nephew.  We were on our way to my house and I asked him how his first day of preschool went, he said, fine.  I asked him what his teacher's name was.  He said "I'm not going to tell you right now."  WTF?  Is it a secret? I then said, okay, what are the names of your friends you made today.  again,  "Aunt Tina, I don't want to tell you "  Fine! I didn't want to know anyway!  I was just making conversation! lol  damn kid.....

So we arrive to the football game, Katie wipes her nails off, we carry our chairs to sit, cause we brought Tyrone so we have to sit below the bleachers for his wheelchair.  The game starts, and then the nephew says he wants popcorn...we go up to snack bar, of course, no popcorn....would you like something else?  "Yea, popcorn"  There is no popcorn.   "But I want some"  Oh, okay, well snack bar lady, you see, he wants some.  So snap to it!  No go...how bout some nice m&m's...I mean, you're not sleeping over at Aunt Tina's so, here's the big bag!  YAY!  we walk back to our seats and then here comes the massive black clouds over us...we're fucked.  Downpour...I was having a good hair day too...damn rain.  So, we run to the van and pile in and go home.  The boy says..."my m&m's got wet"  ugh, oh well, get over it kid.  Home we go, I say, you better change your pants cause those are all wet..he immediately drops his drawers in the kitchen and says okay.  I think he's going to be a stripper when he grows up.  I picture him dressed up as Capt America, opening the door to the bachelorette party he's attending, saying something like..."Hello ladies, did someone call for a Superhero, cause I am here!  Anyways, it was a pretty good day.  Other than answering 1000 questions from the boy during the evening...Why did you get pepperoni on the pizza? Why are we drinking juice? Who is that boy?  Why are those kids wearing those shorts?  Do we have to pay for our tickets here? Which way do I walk? Will you hold my hand?  Why are those cheerleaders yelling? What do you mean I can't have popcorn? 

Well, the team lost, the cheerleaders looked great, despite the one girl who had bright orange traces of fingernail polish in the corners of her nails...It was incredibly noticeable.  Not....